Permuted Press are putting together a Time Travel antho {here it is!} so I've written something remarkably fast for it. How amusing! Although, like seems to be my forté, my idea sort-of sits on the periphery of the guidelines. Hmmm. They do list a few stories as examples of what they'd like to see, and I found one of them online [All You Zombies] and by crikey it's messed-up! Mine's called The Future Is What We Say It Is, which I think sums it up pretty well. Yes! Giant robots? Check! Wildly inaccurate science? Check!
What else? Severed Press have shown the full cover to Zombie Zoology --> have a gander: http://severedpress.lefora.com/2010/03/05/zombie-zoology/#post15
I'm off to meet a writer on Friday who I converse with via Cafe Doom so that's quite exciting - he's called Geoff Nelder and you can find his novel Exit, Pursued By A Bee in Waterstones. Cafe Doom are also running their next crit group soon and I recommend anyone to sign up with 'em for the next one as the help/feedback often proves invaluable.
Last of all, I've joined a collaborative zombie novel project and I'm REALLY excited about it! More news about THAT as and when.
Last of all last of all: send me a story for No More Heroes! http://nomoreheroesanthology.blogspot.com/
DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And so is this blog.
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Monday, 29 March 2010
WHERE'S AQUA DAD WHEN YOU NEED HIM?
So there I was, watching the new Friday the 13th, when a thought suddenly struck me like my dad walking in on me reading his porn mags:
"It took THREE PEOPLE to write this?!?!?!?!"
I even thought it using that punctuation.
Stop me if you've heard this one before: crazy lady kills kids because they caused her deformed son to die. Crazy lady dies and deformed son comes back to start killing other kids willy-nilly.
Now, whenever a remake rears its ginger-haired head the first thing anyone says is "not neccessary" because the large majority aren't. For every Dawn of the Dead (yes, I really like it) there's a Psycho. Okay, so the Dawn remake didn't do a lot different to the original but it did put a new spin on events and characters, anyway shut up.
Friday the 13th (2009) might as well have been done by Gus Van Sant for all the difference it makes. There is absolutely NOTHING in this version that hasn't been seen or done in any of the other ten (eleven if you include Freddy vs Jason). Maybe if it had Crispin Glover dancing like a maniac, Corey Feldman, or a psychokinetic teen, it coulda been a contender, but it doesn't. It does have TWO prologues which is completely ridiculous, since the second one explains what you just saw in the first one. Oh yeah, and Jason's mum says her son is dead, yet Jason watches her get killed??? WHAT THE-
So a girl survives the second prologue and becomes Jason's captive because SHE LOOKS LIKE HIS MUM OF COURSE! Her brother (the delicious Jared Padalalalackiaikii) has been searching for her for something like six weeks, and ends up back in whatever town has Crystal Lake in it, just as a group of rowdy kids turn up for a fun time. He makes friends with one of the girls, almost gets in a scrap with her total prick of a boyfriend (why is she with him? WHY?!) and other stuff happens that manage to involve Jason stabbing stabbing stabbing STABBING STABBING! people with a massive machete. Yes, he used to use one in the OLD films! Look how we nudge-nudge wink-wink reference them! And he wears a sack, not a mask! Until he kills a guy in a loft and OH LOOK there just so happens to be a hockey mask on the floor that he then starts to wear. Why didn't he find one later when a kid smartmouths him with a hockey stick - at least that would have made sense more than the insipid joke the kid makes.
And another thing. In the original, camp counsellors are too busy bumping boots to keep an eye on poor little Jason, so he drowns. Therefore, when he returns, he goes after horny teenagers. That's what we call 'internal logic'. New Jason has no reason other than 'because' And is that old woman supposed to be the girl from the first prologue? She clearly isn't but I suspect she is. So she knows "He's" around - yet she still lives there? Okay grandma.
A couple of people do die in the new one that I didn't expect, so good show for THAT. Only, what's that? You're going to spoil it all by making The World's Most Obvious Ending(tm)? Oh alright then, knock yourself out.
Friday the 13th (2009) is completely and utterly pointless. Why didn't they just make it the 11th in the actual series? Then at least it would only be as bad as any of the first few sequels that did exactly the same thing, just twenty years ago. The score for this bastard is: Why why why why why why why why why why why???
"It took THREE PEOPLE to write this?!?!?!?!"
I even thought it using that punctuation.
Stop me if you've heard this one before: crazy lady kills kids because they caused her deformed son to die. Crazy lady dies and deformed son comes back to start killing other kids willy-nilly.
Now, whenever a remake rears its ginger-haired head the first thing anyone says is "not neccessary" because the large majority aren't. For every Dawn of the Dead (yes, I really like it) there's a Psycho. Okay, so the Dawn remake didn't do a lot different to the original but it did put a new spin on events and characters, anyway shut up.
Friday the 13th (2009) might as well have been done by Gus Van Sant for all the difference it makes. There is absolutely NOTHING in this version that hasn't been seen or done in any of the other ten (eleven if you include Freddy vs Jason). Maybe if it had Crispin Glover dancing like a maniac, Corey Feldman, or a psychokinetic teen, it coulda been a contender, but it doesn't. It does have TWO prologues which is completely ridiculous, since the second one explains what you just saw in the first one. Oh yeah, and Jason's mum says her son is dead, yet Jason watches her get killed??? WHAT THE-
So a girl survives the second prologue and becomes Jason's captive because SHE LOOKS LIKE HIS MUM OF COURSE! Her brother (the delicious Jared Padalalalackiaikii) has been searching for her for something like six weeks, and ends up back in whatever town has Crystal Lake in it, just as a group of rowdy kids turn up for a fun time. He makes friends with one of the girls, almost gets in a scrap with her total prick of a boyfriend (why is she with him? WHY?!) and other stuff happens that manage to involve Jason stabbing stabbing stabbing STABBING STABBING! people with a massive machete. Yes, he used to use one in the OLD films! Look how we nudge-nudge wink-wink reference them! And he wears a sack, not a mask! Until he kills a guy in a loft and OH LOOK there just so happens to be a hockey mask on the floor that he then starts to wear. Why didn't he find one later when a kid smartmouths him with a hockey stick - at least that would have made sense more than the insipid joke the kid makes.
And another thing. In the original, camp counsellors are too busy bumping boots to keep an eye on poor little Jason, so he drowns. Therefore, when he returns, he goes after horny teenagers. That's what we call 'internal logic'. New Jason has no reason other than 'because' And is that old woman supposed to be the girl from the first prologue? She clearly isn't but I suspect she is. So she knows "He's" around - yet she still lives there? Okay grandma.
A couple of people do die in the new one that I didn't expect, so good show for THAT. Only, what's that? You're going to spoil it all by making The World's Most Obvious Ending(tm)? Oh alright then, knock yourself out.
Friday the 13th (2009) is completely and utterly pointless. Why didn't they just make it the 11th in the actual series? Then at least it would only be as bad as any of the first few sequels that did exactly the same thing, just twenty years ago. The score for this bastard is: Why why why why why why why why why why why???
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
TAKE THAT, PARIS!
I grew up at the end of the 80's/start of the 90's in Australia, and one of the coolest toys and comics my friends and I played with and collected was GI JOE. I had a comic where you got to see Snake Eyes face, which was the envy of all my chums. I also vividly remember two cool instances; one where my friends and I biked to some guys house to buy second-hand, hard-to-get figures, and another time when we all piled round my friend David Hatwell's house and had a massive fight between GI JOE and Cobra. Now, if I could transport me and my friends from 1990 to right now, then sit them down in front of GI JOE: The Rise of Cobra, we would probably suffer a pleasure so great we'd have joint embollisms.
Sure, we'd probably get annoyed that King Cobra isn't in it, and Destro's Scottish (!!!), but Storm Shadow's in it, Baroness is HOT and Snake Eyes is...well...AMAZING. He's a mute ninja with a gun! Dressed entirely in black, no less. It is also an incredibly violent film, with swearing in it! swearing!
When The Dark Knight came out with a 12a rating, there was uproar about the 'glorification of violence' and 'emphasis on knife crime' and loads of other Daily Mail bollocks. To be fair, some of the worry was justified, but the BBFC defended their rating by saying "It's a comic book film, so obviously it's not real".
I wonder if they thought/said the same thing about GI JOE: The Rise of Cobra? Because it is much much MUCH more violent than The Dark Knight. A woman gets stabbed through the chest, baddies get knives in the eyes, another guy's face gets eaten by tiny robots, and so on. It's fkkking amazing, mainly because it is a gloriously stupid film. Not in a 'so bad it's good' way or 'makes you feel thick when you watch it', but stupid as in 'I can't believe they put this in a film' stupid.
Exosuits that give the wearer superpowers? CHECK.
The destruction of the Eiffel Tower? CHECK.
Ninjas? CHECK!
Director Stephen Sommers put himself in my good books by making Deep Rising, an excellent monster movie, then got a black mark next to his name when he gave the baddies in The Mummy films stretchy mouths, and overegged the pudding with Van Helsing. GI JOE puts him back to the top of the class. Dialogue that makes you laugh because it's genuinely funny? Thanks! A goofy fight scene between two 10 year olds in a kitchen? Yes, please! The inexplicable reveal that Snake Eyes has been known as Snake Eyes since he was a kid? What?
Sequel, please, Mr Sommers! Thanx
Sure, we'd probably get annoyed that King Cobra isn't in it, and Destro's Scottish (!!!), but Storm Shadow's in it, Baroness is HOT and Snake Eyes is...well...AMAZING. He's a mute ninja with a gun! Dressed entirely in black, no less. It is also an incredibly violent film, with swearing in it! swearing!
When The Dark Knight came out with a 12a rating, there was uproar about the 'glorification of violence' and 'emphasis on knife crime' and loads of other Daily Mail bollocks. To be fair, some of the worry was justified, but the BBFC defended their rating by saying "It's a comic book film, so obviously it's not real".
I wonder if they thought/said the same thing about GI JOE: The Rise of Cobra? Because it is much much MUCH more violent than The Dark Knight. A woman gets stabbed through the chest, baddies get knives in the eyes, another guy's face gets eaten by tiny robots, and so on. It's fkkking amazing, mainly because it is a gloriously stupid film. Not in a 'so bad it's good' way or 'makes you feel thick when you watch it', but stupid as in 'I can't believe they put this in a film' stupid.
Exosuits that give the wearer superpowers? CHECK.
The destruction of the Eiffel Tower? CHECK.
Ninjas? CHECK!
Director Stephen Sommers put himself in my good books by making Deep Rising, an excellent monster movie, then got a black mark next to his name when he gave the baddies in The Mummy films stretchy mouths, and overegged the pudding with Van Helsing. GI JOE puts him back to the top of the class. Dialogue that makes you laugh because it's genuinely funny? Thanks! A goofy fight scene between two 10 year olds in a kitchen? Yes, please! The inexplicable reveal that Snake Eyes has been known as Snake Eyes since he was a kid? What?
Sequel, please, Mr Sommers! Thanx
Thursday, 18 March 2010
GET DOWN, JAMES BROWN!
I'm in that annoying frame of mind where I can't decide what to focus my energy on. Some old short stories that need reworking? The novel that's a love letter to 80's horror films? The superhero fantasy novel that I keep writing a chapter or two for, then leaving for six months? I just can't decide!
Actually, that latter one is supposed to be for kids, or at least teenagers, but it's difficult finding the right tone because I don't know what kids read these days, about from stuff with sexy vampires. I think some market research might be in order, forthwith!
And remember: NO MORE HEROES IS OPEN TO SUBMISSIONS!!!!!!!!!! http://nomoreheroesanthology.blogspot.com/
This post was brought to you by NON-STOP DISCO PANTS
For when you really don't want to stop discoing!
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
ZOMBIE ZOOLOGY
Here's the line-up for the Zombie Zoology antho coming soon from Severed Press!!!!!!
Brian Pinkerton -SWAT
Tim Curran-Monkey House
Ted Wenskus –Yule Cat
Eric Dimbleby-Lucy
William Wood-Loss of Vector
Wayne Goodchild-One Man and his Dog <--- here I am!!!
Carl Barker-Why The Wild Things Are
Ryan C. Thomas-Two Days Before the End Of The World
J Gilliam Martin-Gift Horse
Anthony Wedd-The Roo
Anthony Giangregorio-Dead Dog Tired
Hayden Williams-The Rising
Brian Pinkerton -SWAT
Tim Curran-Monkey House
Ted Wenskus –Yule Cat
Eric Dimbleby-Lucy
William Wood-Loss of Vector
Wayne Goodchild-One Man and his Dog <--- here I am!!!
Carl Barker-Why The Wild Things Are
Ryan C. Thomas-Two Days Before the End Of The World
J Gilliam Martin-Gift Horse
Anthony Wedd-The Roo
Anthony Giangregorio-Dead Dog Tired
Hayden Williams-The Rising
Monday, 8 March 2010
NO MORE HEROES ANTHOLOGY OPEN TO SUBMISSIONS
I'm co-editing a super-powered anthology!
Please go here for the full skinny: http://nomoreheroesanthology.blogspot.com
HURRAY!!!!!!!!!!
Please go here for the full skinny: http://nomoreheroesanthology.blogspot.com
HURRAY!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, 5 March 2010
Monday, 1 March 2010
IT'S MARCH!
Things haven't been a little slow around Potato HQ - quite the opposite in fact. Hopefully, I'll have news about a very exciting project soon!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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