Welcome to Reverend Wayne Austin Goodchild's official blog. Not that there's an unofficial one...

Click WAYNE GOODCHILD IS HAUNTED to go to his Facebook page! There's good stuff on it! Honest!

...all work on here is copyright wayne goodchild, unless otherwise stated, you cheeky monkeys...

Saturday, 26 December 2009


Updated this site a little bit so all my influences are now real gen-u-wine links to said people and bands, in case you (or anyone) might be interested to know more about them. Also popped a list of blogs at the bottom of the page, for other writers and whatnot.

I've found myself doing my usual trick of working on so many things at once that they've all slowed down a bit, but then it IS the festive period and a rest is deserved (like writing's as hard as working down a coal mine haha). Current whatsists on the go:

Bricksville, my "zombie" novel. Think 1980's horror film, so MUTANTS, MUTANTS and MORE MUTANTS! With hilarious consequences!
One Man and His Dog - an exterminator finds a most peculiar cockroach...with hilarious consequences! I'm going to sub this to Severed Press as soon as it's finished, so fingers crossed for THAT.
Xanthous - partially inspired by Robert W. Chambers' The King In Yellow, this is about a man with a fear of the colour (and word) yellow - with hilarious consequences! Doesn't have an ending yet, but I do have a market in mind to sub it to.
He Will Drown In Holy Fire/There Are No Secrets In A Small Town (Only Lies) - don't know if I'll use either of these titles, but in any case, this is a Jonathan Cave story that's so high concept I've put a hole through my roof. And that's all I'm saying at this moment. Ohhh how mysterious!

I'm also currently waiting on responses to a couple of stories I've subbed to paying markets:
Full Moon Blues, a Jonny Cave story involving a WEREWOLF - with hilarious consequences!
Fresh Meat For The City - a very, very weird horror noir (my prefered style). Features noir archetypes recast as avatars of Lovecraftian deities - with hilarious consequences!

And THAT is the end of THAT. I also recently uploaded shitloads of music (click HERE!) that is almost certainly guaranteed to explode your speakers (I have a genuine history of doing that).

Oh yeah! I also want to make a very short film about a man trapped in his own personal time loops (due to a genetic condition) (with hilarious consequences!) but, ironically, I don't know if I'll have time/the means to do this any time soon. We'll see...

Hope you had a good Chrimbo; I got some Lego!

Thursday, 24 December 2009




In the process of tracking down (online) sites with my music on, I found a couple of songs I'd completely forgot I'd made haha

HAVE A GANDER! Jazzy/ambient electronica!

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Saturday, 19 December 2009


But it could be worse. Oh so much more worse...


has my latest story 'Weather Report' on it! HURRAY!

Monday, 14 December 2009

READ ME!!!!!!!!!!!

Actual story updates; the first proper ones in a little while...

WEATHER REPORT will appear this week on This Zine Will Change Your Life (was asked for a bio for it today) and

Signed the contract for HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS, which is appearing in Through the Eyes of the Undead, by Library of the Living Dead Press.


Still waiting for a response to a couple of other short story subs, but one won't get back to me til next month (hopefully) and the other is being sorted out by someone who's extremely busy so not sure when I'll get a response.

I've also got a letter/comment thing on KINDERTRAUMA which is an EXCELLENT site!

Friday, 11 December 2009


I've been watching films lately and now...I shall review them!


The first new Punisher film starred Thomas Jane (who looks like Christopher Lambert and may or may not be awesome mainly for this reason) and was absolute shit. It was an origin story, and as Hollywood has taught us in recent years, origin story films are always BORING with a capital BORING. Thomas Jane's Punisher, whilst looking the part, "kept getting his ass handed to him on a plate" as the young kids say nowadays somewhere I think maybe I don't know SHUT UP!

THIS Punisher is played by Ray Stevenson, who was in the TV series Rome, which I have not seen with him in. What I have seen with him in, is this film! And he's amazing. Quite simply, amazing. The film itself is FANTASTICALLY VIOLENT and is easily a 4 star or 9/10 rating, or if you're like me and don't worry too much about that sort of thing, call it 67 tins of peas on a shelf.

The Punisher goes after criminals and literally punches through their heads, or literally shoots their faces off, or other literal manners of hideous gun-death. Criminals and cops are scared shitless of him because he's a fucking maniac, and it's just an excellent film. Everything about it is almost perfect - we get a main villain who gets dumped in a glass-crusher and ends up horribly disfigured; we get his psychotic brother; we get extended gun battles and brutal punch-ups. I love it. The only thing that knocks a mark/a few tins of peas off the score is some of the acting, which is so wooden the actors often go home to get sat on by wealthy landlords.

What else did I see? I'll tell you! Right now! SURVELLIANCE by Jennifer Lynch, who is David Lynch's daughter, no less! Nowhere near as dream-logic mental as her dad's stuff, but that's okay because it's still a nice little thriller.

Two federal agents turn up to a police station in some desolate American desert town and question three people (a cop from the station, a junkie whore and a little girl) about a car accident that's in some way linked to a killing spree being perpetrated by one or more nutcases. We then get to see their stories played out, but 'the truth' jars with what we see, which is a nice touch. A perfectly solid film, good acting, nice gore, and all that jazz. 62 tins of peas.

Now, I like going to Blockbuster, less for the DVDs, and more for the choice. See, where else could I find a film called TOILET AVENGER? Nowhere else, that's where, because Blockbuster took over and burned down all opposition (remember Global Video? Me neither!).

This film starred Martin Short as a costumed superhero called, wait for it, Captain Toilet. Some people might say he stopped being funny after Father of the Bride, others that he never started being funny, but I like him. I didn't say I found him funny, mind.

Martin Short's character is called Nelson Beldgitz, a janitor at a school. The kids tease him, the teachers tease him, his mother (whose basement he still lives in) teases him. Nobody likes Nelson Bedlgitz! And then one day, he accidentally uses a random combination of cleaning agents in a toilet and the resultant stink fuses his DNA with the toilet, giving him superpowers...with hilarious consequences!

Now, you wouldn't be the only person to think 'hmmm, what with that title and description of the hero, it sounds a little bit like Toxic Avenger'. That makes two of us. However, where Troma films are notoriously bad - so bad they actually become an art form - this film is polished and evidently had a decent budget. I was tempted to make a 'polish a turd' joke but I couldn't be bothered.

The special effects aren't amazing, given Captin Toilet's powers mainly revolve around shooting poo from his fingers and piss from his eyes. He also does a 'flush tornado' which is exactly like how you might imagine. Suffice to say, Toilet Avenger is not highbrow art and falls firmly into Wayan Brother catergory. It stinks. But! I did actually laugh. Plus Carrie Fisher plays Short's mother, which is a little weird because they look about the same age.

Like the other comic book film I reviewed (Punisher: War Zone. Keep up!), what good's a hero without a villain? Step forward The Plunger, a school bully who gets caught up in the same toxic smell that gave rise to Captain Toilet. Except, because he's EVIL it affects him a little differently and gives him plungers for hands, and the ability to produce copious amounts of spit . He doesn't look too great to be honest, although when Nelson changes into Captain Toilet, he gets a weird toilet-for-a-face face, which is worth more in coolness than any amount of money.

They fight, Nelson gets the girl (played by some fantastically ugly actress called Janine Flaught) and things get set up for a (GOD NO!) sequel. Like I said, I did laugh, but only a few times. It was kind of one of those 'you have to see it to realise just how terrible something can be' films, a bit like Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (which actually gave me Eyeball Death, but more on that later). I'll give Toilet Avenger a rating of, let's say, 12 tins of Green Giant sweetcorn and a rack of Tesco's Chinese ribs.


And with it...some FUN!