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Tuesday, 31 December 2013


2013: a year that saw R Kelly make a staggering comeback and NASA discover a supervillain's secret HQ on the moon. Bookies across the UK lost vast amounts of money when a computer error meant everybody that placed a bet on anything to do with X Factor automatically won. But only money, not at life. Let's have a look at a month-by-month look at the year's events month-by-month:

Typically the first month of any year, January 2013 was actually replaced by Mad Men actress January Jones. Everybody agreed she was much nicer than the usual January, and laws have already being put into effect to enable her to start every year from now on.

2013 wasn't a leap year, but nobody told February that, meaning it's actually New Year's Eve tomorrow. Unless you live in Australia, in which case it's today. Congratulations!

Newspaper headlines the world over celebrated the birth of a royal baby, but soon realised they were a few months early. Scientists in Switzerland noticed a glitch in the space time continuum and began to study it in earnest.

Jeremy Beadle returned from the dead to record an anniversary episode of Beadle's About, but the jammy trickster pulled the wool over our eyes yet again by revealing it was all an April Fools' joke and that he was actually still dead. This took the wind out of Noel Edmonds' sails when he tried to one-up Beadle by surprising him with a Gotcha, only to find him a lifeless corpse. This put a dark spin on his charitable efforts, for some reason, but did provide a new theme episode for Deal or No Deal: dead jokers. Noel dressed as Bob Monkhouse. The Banker was voiced by Norman Wisdom.

Kanye West rolled out a new range of clothes for people with five limbs. When it was pointed out that very few people have that many limbs, Kanye insisted he knew what he was doing since he was "basically Jesus". Everybody stopped talking to him after that. Scientists in Switzerland noticed a glitch in the space time continuum and began to study it in earnest.

June 2013 disappointed nobody by being the sixth month of the year for the thousandth year running. Emo Frankenstein monster Matt Smith made fun of geeks by declaring Dr Who to be "bollocks" and "for people who can't get sex off anyone alive". He then said he'd be leaving it at the end of year to "go do some of that acting stuff".

A human skull was discovered in Australia, shaking their national history to the core. Experts figured it belonged to a man from the 1600s, which surprised every Australian ever because, as far as their history goes, only 500 years ago dinosaurs still ruled the earth.

I had a birthday and received a phone call from the future love of my life. Absolutely nothing else mattered anywhere else in the universe.

A wormhole engulfed New York, before depositing it over Bognor Regis. The resultant merger (dubbed 'New Bognor') turned the city into THE holiday destination for anyone who loved erratic taxi driving and terrible football teams. More wormholes appeared in Africa, Japan and Russia, wiping those countries from the planet. In other world news: Gotham elected a new Batman, to be played by Dizzee Rascal.

Africa, Japan and Russia reappeared, with no apparent ill-effects. Giant monsters then rose from the depths to enslave mankind, but that didn't last long and it barely warranted a mention in the media. No one thought the two things were related. Kanye West said something about something but people still tried to ignore him. It was starting to get difficult, because the little bugger was everywhere.

2013 suddenly realised it was about to die, and pulled out all the stops to make itself memorable. Unfortunately, no one noticed.

The year resigned itself to the same fate of every other year and the weather reflected this. Floods and strong winds swept several farm girls to various make-believe lands. The Remake Frenzy that had been sweeping through Hollywood since the start of 2013 finally obliterated all remaining original thought.

Which brings us to today, and 2013's dying light. Good riddance, 2013. You weren't the best, but neither were you the worst. We halfheartedly salute you, the same way we thank an elderly relative for knitting us an ill-fitting jumper.