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Saturday, 30 January 2010


MAKIN' BACON has been accepted for the truly almighty BACONOLOGY antho from Library of Horror Press. This is one anthology I really, really, kill-my-mother-to-get-a-place, wanted to be a part of. Horror stories, about bacon. How can it NOT be awesome???

So what's my story about? Well, it's set in the 1920's/30's for starters, and starts with a woman giving birth to pigs. YYYEEEHHHAAWWW!!!!!

Blimey, I feel light-headed with glee. Time for bed!

Friday, 22 January 2010


He's a father who's returned from the grave! Stay tuned for more exciting adventures!

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

"Turn yourself into a bonfire and we'll break out the marshmallows and the weenies"

I used my eyes to watch some films!


Dirty Harry Callahan's last outing is definitely his worst. Clint Eastwood gives good grizzled as the hard bastard cop, but he's turned into a parody of his former self. Whereas before he'd greet "correct procedure" with a cuss and a punch, now he just rolls his eyes. Everything in this film happens far too easily for him, as well.

Peter Swan is a director of cheap horror films and in a weakly-disguised spin on 'violent films = violent people' theme, he's part of a 'dead pool' - people make lists of celebrities, and win when all the celebs on their list kick the bucket. Swan says it's a sick bit of fun, but when the people on his list start dying very quickly, and suspiciously, he's the number one suspect.

Eastwood has some ace lines, but the tone see-saws between gratuitious violence (he literally shoots every baddie he meets) and absurd set-pieces (Dirty Harry and his partner are involved in a lengthy car chase incorporating a remote-controlled toy car). Ultimately, the message is fudged by the film failing to be fully self-referential, yet too goofy to be taken as a serious treaty.

It does have a young JAMES CARREY as a rock star actor, though. So that's nice.


Harry Fabian is an American hustler trying to make it in London's sleazy underworld, in a 1950 noir tale of one man's dreams of fame becoming undone by his misplaced ambition.

Harry is "an artist without an art", and uses his brains and ambition to pull tricks on tourists in London, as well as his own employers. Usually, he gets away with his schemes (even if it's by the skin of his teeth) but his latest plan (to start a wrestling promotions company) looks like it might be the end of him, even though it also looks like it might also finally be the legitimate business he wants/needs.

The film is excellent, with some fantastic dialogue ("rip this city apart if you have to") and well-drawn characters. Harry has a wide-eyed charm, underpinned by a sweaty desperation that powers him from one convoulted plan to another. EVERYBODY is trying to pull one over on someone else in Harry's world, and he's usually the one to get away with it.

Until a wrestler in his employ dies, causing a business rival to put a price on Harry's head.

NIGHT AND THE CITY features a few stand-out moments, chief among these is a long, uncomfortable wrestling match that, as soon as it starts, you just know isn't going to end well.

A truly stunning (yes, stunning!) unknown(?) classic. YES IT IS.


Dennis Quaid ends up stranded on an inhospitable planet with an enemy fighter; a reptilian creature known as a Drax. They overcome their differences, learn to work together, and gain a mutual understanding of each other's culture. This film has been copied and paid homage to by a million things since it came out in 1985 (most recently in an episode of Ben 10: Alien Force) and, though it feels a bit rushed and the overall timeline's a bit wonky (had Quaid's character really only been stranded for 3 years???) it's an emotional adult sci-fi film. Highlights include the monster puppets and bog-eyed villain whose name I can't remember.


Now, if ever there was a Ronseal film (Does Exactly What It Says On The Tin) this SHOULD be it. Unfortunately, it isn't. It really isn't.

I knew going into this film it'd be shit. The company behind it (The Asylum) churn out mockbusters and cheapo b-movies for the Sci-Fi Channel (SyFy in the US of A) so there was no way on Earth the film could be anything other than a 'so bad it's good' type of film.

That was the hope anyway.

It's literally impossible to describe just how godawful MSVGO is. This film is such an absolute void of talent it's kind of like being drawn into a black hole. You simply cannot escape. You can't look away. And most importantly, you will never forget the experience.

A female scientist (played by former pop star Debbie Gibson) and her male sidekick are tracking a pod of whales. I don't know why. The whales go mental and ram into a glacier, releasing the titular creatures. Debbie Gibson then teams up with her Oirish university professor and a Japanese scientist to stop the monsters. Oh, and a government agent who looks like a slim Steven Seagal and talks like he's trying really hard to be tough ends up working against them, and then with them. I think. Something like that anyway.

And that's it. The acting's terrible, though at times passable. There are one or two funny lines (but as you'd expect, they're not ones that're supposed to be funny). Characters disappear for no reason, whilst others act in such an obvious manner they should be called 'Plot Device'. all this sounds like it would be a weirdly enjoyable crappy film. But what really sinks this (apart from the gaps in logic, and completely bonkers - in a bad way - plotting) is the direction itself.

95% of this film takes place on a boat, or a ship, or a submarine. Fair enough, you say, they are hunting ocean creatures. Except, it's practically impossible to tell the locations apart because they ALL comprise of one room decorated wth grey machinery, lit by either red, green or pink lighting. Clearly, the Navy have got a bit more overtly camp since I last watched The Hunt For Red October.

When the boat/ship/submarine gets attacked, everybody does a Star Trek and wobbles around as the camera shakes. Well, not everybody. One scene has the 'pilot' driving the whateveritis with a look of wide-eyed disgust, as RIGHT NEXT TO HIM everybody's acting like they're under attack. Cut back to the pilot and not only is the camera completely static but so is the actor. Cut back to the people next to him GOING CRAZY WITH FEAR!

But by far the very worst aspect of this film is the handling of the monsters themselves. I didn't expect them to get a lot of screen time, but they did. Oh good, you say, so that's one thing in its favour.


The other 5% of the film comprises of the following shots:

Shark swims towards camera on right side of screen.
Shark swims towards camera on left side of screen (a clear mirror of the above shot).
Shark attacks octopus and bites a tentacle off.
Octopus 'blinks' at the camera.
Octopus swims away from/towards the camera.
Octopus starts to wrap tentacles around an oil rig.
Octopus attacks the Golden Gate bridge.
Shark leaps out the sea and bites an aeroplane in half.
And a few other "battle" shots.

At least two of those shots are well worth watching, because they're competely and utterly mental. But this film reuses and repeats shots so often I started to believe I was caught in a time loop. MSVGO actually has the power to send you a little bit insane, like HP Lovecraft possessed Ed Wood's corpse then that spirit infected the director of this film.

Here's the trailer, which features most of the "best bits" and is actually worth watching: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fa7ck5mcd1o

Sunday, 17 January 2010


Once upon a time, there was a popular death metal band called Cradle of Filth. The above slogan came from a t-shirt design they did, and was the coolest thing you could wear, back when you were 17 and offensive band t-shirts were the height of fashion. I myself hopped onto this particular bandwagon, with a White Zombie t-shirt that said 'DIE FUCKER DIE' on the back. "You are NOT wearing that whilst living in this house" my mum said, so I gave it to my best mate. I then thought "Why didn't I just turn it inside-out when I put it in the laundry? That way she'd never know what it was". That is exactly what I did with a Cannibal Corpse t-shirt I bought, after seeing them on tour in the original Corporation uilding in Sheffield, many moons ago. My friend and I dressed and danced like Ace Ventura for the gig, which met with angry bewilderment from many of the other fans. Metallers can be such grumpy buggers. So anyway, the CC top had a drawing on the back of a hooker gutting a fat man. Class. In an interesting side-note, I remember one of the first times I went to Corporation - it was when Placebo were The Next Big Thing - and 99% of the people in the club (and I'm not making this up) were dressed EXACTLY like Brian Molko, the androgynous singer. It was very, very weird.

My point is, that Cradle of Filth t-shirt slogan directly relates to the new film DEADGIRL, which I watched recently. Two teenagers, whilst exploring an abandoned hospital, find a naked girl tied up in a basement - the two first signs that something's odd are: the door to the room was rusted shut, and the girl herself is alive. Well, sort of. She can take bullets to the guts and keep breathing, put it that way.

It doesn't take long before one of the lads realises they have their own sex slave, and yes, he does use her as that. But, it's a real testamet to the filmmakers that DEADGIRL is not as sleazy or exploitative as the premise suggests. This is partly helped by the inclusion of soft indie rock on the soundtrack (as opposed to, say, Lords of Acid of My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult, which would have rocketed the sleaze angle right through the roof) and the (fairly) realistic characters. Other people become involved in the 'secret', and we start to get an idea as to what the 'dead girl' is...it's just a shame the ending fumbles it a bit by undermining what went before (regarding one particular character) and leaving some annoying loose-ends (is a character who was last seen shitting his guts out actually dead, or what?). Whoops, that was a bit of a spoiler. But I bet it's got you more intrigued now, right? DAMN STRAIGHT.

Thursday, 14 January 2010


review coming tonight!

As is always the way, I came online to research a story and ended up looking at other things like http://inaneopinion.co.uk/about/ tha made me chuckle a bit. Just a bit.


Wednesday, 6 January 2010


Do you know what I watched recently?


Do you know what else I watched recently?

Sky Player, via Xbox Live. Or more specifically, MOVIES on Sky Player via Xbox Live. Or even more specifically, JOSHUA from the Movie section of Sky Player via Xbox Live.

Starring the ever-dependable SAM ROCKWELL, and some broad channeling Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby, Joshua is notable as a horror film primarily because it doesn't feel like a horror film. But more on that in a sec.

Joshua is nine years old, polite, and very smart. He's also incredibly wrong in the noodle. When his parents bring him his new baby sister, he starts getting weirder, and weirder, and weirder. First, he starts asking his parents if they love him because he's strange, then he gets heavily into Egyptian history and mythology (leading to a cool "What are you doing?" scene with a beloved panda teddy bear) and finally he starts manipulating those around him to make them think they're all mental.

One of the highlights of the film happens fairly early on - Joshua is due to play piano at his fancy school. All the kids on before him are bloody awful musicians, so his parents are sat there, nice and smug because they know how talented little Joshua is. And then he starts playing.

Instead of the beautiful, yet melancholic piece he's been studiously learning for weeks, he starts playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Everyone, least of all his parents, are bemused to start with...until he starts purposefully inserting wonky pitch changes and the music descends into an atonal mess. In fact, JOSHUA has two types of sound used copiously throughout it: morbid piano and crying baby. Both are used to sinister/claustrophobic effect and help develop a palpable sense of unease that never lets up throughout the film.

Why is Joshua 'acting up'? And why is he screwing with his parents? What initially appears to be simply a case of a child feeling left out due to a new arrival in the famly quickly becomes something much, mcuh worse. Is Joshua evil? He's definitely wrong. Very, very wrong.

Partly because of the sound, and partly because of the natural, realistic pace of events, Joshua feels more like a horrible family drama than a horror film. And it is, at least on the surface. Things start to really get going towards the end of the film only to...stop. Which is frustrating, although as an ending it does work. I could have kept watching it for another half an hour though, easily.

JOSHUA is an 'evil kid' horror film but pisses all over similiar films because it never gets stupid or nonsensical or unrealistic. Joshua's motives might be a bit muddy, and the idea that it takes his sister's arrival to make him decide to act weird are the main quibbles with this film, but otherwise that's all.

Did I mention it stars SAM ROCKWELL?

Sunday, 3 January 2010

Nappy Yew Hear!

I think my resolution is going to be "Get on with it" :D

and in that case, if you'll excuse me, I have some writing to do. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!