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Saturday, 29 September 2012


Sometimes, my thoughts clatter around like damaged robots trying to fix a bigger, more damaged robot. Always building/rebuilding. Occasionally they'll stick an arm joint back in a shoulder, prompting sensible, rational thoughts. Other times, they'll put a leg in the head socket, creating nonsense ideas. Sensible is good, but nonsense tends to be more creative. Maybe when they've finally finished pottering around they'll create some deranged robot with arms for legs and heads for hands, and as it destroys my mental Tokyo it'll vomit fiercely creative gamma breath. Buildings and people will melt under sentences like "The nights in the marital bed were long and lonely in the months after Frank died, and they remained just as long and lonely when he
returned." and "General Ken Nyler’s torso sprouted from the wooden floor of his office like a grotesque plant, arms held up like branches with hands forming claws." I would welcome a death caused by those words. Not so much "Better clean the bathroom" or "Should I have said that?" or any number of mundane, peripheral thoughts and notions that really shouldn't take up more time than their initial creation. But those, robots, they're always moving things about. Instead of taking time crafting thoughts about how a wife would react to her dead husband returning to life, or how a normal cop could stop a supervillain, it's these latter thoughts that hold the most sway more often these days. And quite frankly, it's getting boring. So I try mental exercises, see if I can corral the robots. A woman's voice floats through my head, accompanied by a steady 'wom wom wom wom'. "Tense your toes" she says. "Then release. Feel the pressure lifting." She then tells me to tense every other part of my body, leading up to my head. Always release, always spread stress and worry and all the rest of it as it floats away and up into the ether. It's good stuff, to be honest, but the trouble is I always fall asleep before she reaches my head, so I can never get those bothersome robots sorted. Maybe if I keep listening, keep releasing, I'll hear her voice, hear the pulsing synth, and the robots will stop - just for a moment - and think about what they're doing. Maybe.  

Wednesday, 19 September 2012


Hello, freaks! Some of you may be aware that veeerrryyy recently I ran a rubbish brilliant competition on Facebook to write a collaborative story. Sort of. I started with a sentence, and everyone else either added another sentence, started one or finished one. It was won by BRYONY CUFFLIN. She'll get her prize soon, whatever it is.

For now, here's the piece in one delirious whole - edited only slightly for tense correction, punctuation, that sort of thing - courtesy of myself, Bryony, Leeroy Watson, Martin Hickey, Dave Bacon, Geoff Ball, Craig Fotheringham, Dave Thorpe and Chuck D. Biscuits:

Bob always suspected his wife wasn't really Irish. Her square moustache, side-swiped hair and love of things non-Jewish made him suspicious at first. But then when he returned home one day after work at the Guinness factory he discovered that she had metamorphosed into a human sized shamrock! The only single remaining feature identifying her as both a human and his wife were her nipples, one of which was shaped like a chaffinch in flight, whilst the other vaguely resembled Henry Rollins.

"It's happening again!" Bob screamed, throwing his shoes at a wall in a demonstration of his anguish.

"Ouch!" screamed the wall, in a decidedly Scottish brogue.

One Scottish brogue, and one English brogue. Undeniably a fine pair of shoes.

Hearing the commotion, Roy Walker smashed through the door in only a thong and armed with a machete. "That shamrock's good but it's not right!!!" bellowed Roy, waving his machete furiously. Mr. Chips was nowhere in sight to keep Roy under control as he was still in rehab. Therefore, it feel to Bob Holness (who'd been tracking Roy for two weeks) to restore order and protect the other Bob and the sham wife. Like a ninja, Bob flew in hurling inane questions at Roy; bamboozling him into a catatonic state of morbid terror. A single tear rolling down his pock ridden cheek, he whispered gently: "Daddy or chips?"

Once Bob had sorted out Roy he turned to the sham wife and said "Hmmmm, I see what's going on here."

The other Bob, determined to get his wife back to the useless bint she was before, asked the Holness if he could help.

Holness said, "I'm sorry my friend, but my powers of P were used up along with my blockbuster attacks on Mr. Walker - but I know someone who can." And with that he handed him a card and flew off to his next adventure.

Then a whirring noise from above, a bright light engulfed the house and it was uprooted and transported aboard a space craft, 50 miles above the earth's surface. The door slowly opened as she did a really good job of tarmacking the driveway. In the dark. Dressed as Dame Judy Dench.

“That's amazing!' said Dame Maggie Smith, walking past on her way back from Downton. “You should come and do ours!' and with that she turned into a cat and moved to Grimsby, catching fish in a 25 ft trawler called Barry The Bitch. She sailed long and hard until her head exploded, revealing the fact she was actually a robot powered by tiny cats. And there among the debris, was also a small but perfectly formed fake Irish wife.

But alas, this is not the end of the tale, nor is it the beginning. But the end of the beginning where the beginning met the end. There was an old lady from Ealing who sat in a big comfy chair, watching a programme on telly about a fake Irish wife and her blonde curly hair.


Sunday, 9 September 2012


Here I am looking young and moody.
Hello, fact fans! Welcome to another edition of 'You Couldn't Make It Up!' with me your host, Terence Trent D'Arby. I once asked you to sign your name across my heart, but today, I want to fire facts at your face with my brain. But to make it more exciting, I've turned it into a fun multiple choice quiz! How could you possibly not enjoy this?! As usual, the winner gets to go for tea with me sometime next week AND receives a signed copy of Sign Your Name on cassette. Ready? Okay, let's go!

ROUND ONE: The Truth is Out There
This first round looks at weird news from around the world. Everything is true, because it was on the news!

1. A baby was born in Guatamela last year with three...whats?
a) Heads
b) Feet
c) Eyes
d) Dogs

2. Californian surfer Doug Henderson lost three minutes of his life in April this year when he...what?
a) Got abducted by aliens
b) Banged his head on a surfboard and nearly drowned
c) Was asphyxiated by an amorous shark when it tried to kiss him, and in doing so swallowed up his entire head
d) His watch got too wet and stopped for three minutes

3. An elderly woman in Essex stopped a bank robbery two weeks ago by...what?
a) Calling the police
b) Farting loudly
c) Giving the robbers a good telling off
d) Singing 'Sign Your Name Across My Heart'

ROUND TWO: Animal Habits
We all love animals. Some more than others. Can you guess the correct answers to these crazy facts about animals?????

4. A boa constrictor is often thought as being a snake, when it is actually a...what?
a) Snake
b) Legless lizard
c) Giant worm
d) Bird

5. Lions mate for life. Tigers, however, have the highest...what?
a) Birth rate
b) Libido
c) Opinion of women
d) Divorce rates of any big cat

6. Crabs walk sideways. What other animal is famous for walking in a funny way?
a) Robocop
b) John Cleese
c) Ostrich
d) Sloth

ROUND THREE: The Big Money Round!
Get a right answer in this general knowledge section and you double your winnings!!!!!!!!

7. Terence Trent D'Arby had a hit with...what?
a) Sign Your Name
b) Sign Your Name
c) Sign Your Name
d) Sign Your Name

I'm really lonely, and have a lot of tapes to get rid off, but that doesn't inform the question. I promise.

ROUND FOUR: Reverse Pot Luck
In a unique spin, you have to guess the WRONG answers for this round! I know - it's topsy turvy!

8. Johnny Cash was a...what?
a) Singer
b) Guitarist
c) Drunk
d) Paedophile

9. Matthew Kelly presented a show called...what?
a) You Bet
b) Stars in Their Eyes
c) Stars in Their Eyes Celebrity Special
d) Kids on Drugs

10. Terence Trent D'Arby is...what?
a) An underrated and oft-overlooked singer/songwriter
b) Often mistaken for Seal, when Seal had hair.
c) Sexy in AND out of his clothes
d) A trained pilot

How do you think you did? Send your answers on the back of a postcard to the usual address by midnight next week and I'll announce the winner afterwards!

This is Terence Trent D'Arby signing HIS name across YOUR heart AND signing off!