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Friday, 11 December 2009


I've been watching films lately and now...I shall review them!


The first new Punisher film starred Thomas Jane (who looks like Christopher Lambert and may or may not be awesome mainly for this reason) and was absolute shit. It was an origin story, and as Hollywood has taught us in recent years, origin story films are always BORING with a capital BORING. Thomas Jane's Punisher, whilst looking the part, "kept getting his ass handed to him on a plate" as the young kids say nowadays somewhere I think maybe I don't know SHUT UP!

THIS Punisher is played by Ray Stevenson, who was in the TV series Rome, which I have not seen with him in. What I have seen with him in, is this film! And he's amazing. Quite simply, amazing. The film itself is FANTASTICALLY VIOLENT and is easily a 4 star or 9/10 rating, or if you're like me and don't worry too much about that sort of thing, call it 67 tins of peas on a shelf.

The Punisher goes after criminals and literally punches through their heads, or literally shoots their faces off, or other literal manners of hideous gun-death. Criminals and cops are scared shitless of him because he's a fucking maniac, and it's just an excellent film. Everything about it is almost perfect - we get a main villain who gets dumped in a glass-crusher and ends up horribly disfigured; we get his psychotic brother; we get extended gun battles and brutal punch-ups. I love it. The only thing that knocks a mark/a few tins of peas off the score is some of the acting, which is so wooden the actors often go home to get sat on by wealthy landlords.

What else did I see? I'll tell you! Right now! SURVELLIANCE by Jennifer Lynch, who is David Lynch's daughter, no less! Nowhere near as dream-logic mental as her dad's stuff, but that's okay because it's still a nice little thriller.

Two federal agents turn up to a police station in some desolate American desert town and question three people (a cop from the station, a junkie whore and a little girl) about a car accident that's in some way linked to a killing spree being perpetrated by one or more nutcases. We then get to see their stories played out, but 'the truth' jars with what we see, which is a nice touch. A perfectly solid film, good acting, nice gore, and all that jazz. 62 tins of peas.

Now, I like going to Blockbuster, less for the DVDs, and more for the choice. See, where else could I find a film called TOILET AVENGER? Nowhere else, that's where, because Blockbuster took over and burned down all opposition (remember Global Video? Me neither!).

This film starred Martin Short as a costumed superhero called, wait for it, Captain Toilet. Some people might say he stopped being funny after Father of the Bride, others that he never started being funny, but I like him. I didn't say I found him funny, mind.

Martin Short's character is called Nelson Beldgitz, a janitor at a school. The kids tease him, the teachers tease him, his mother (whose basement he still lives in) teases him. Nobody likes Nelson Bedlgitz! And then one day, he accidentally uses a random combination of cleaning agents in a toilet and the resultant stink fuses his DNA with the toilet, giving him superpowers...with hilarious consequences!

Now, you wouldn't be the only person to think 'hmmm, what with that title and description of the hero, it sounds a little bit like Toxic Avenger'. That makes two of us. However, where Troma films are notoriously bad - so bad they actually become an art form - this film is polished and evidently had a decent budget. I was tempted to make a 'polish a turd' joke but I couldn't be bothered.

The special effects aren't amazing, given Captin Toilet's powers mainly revolve around shooting poo from his fingers and piss from his eyes. He also does a 'flush tornado' which is exactly like how you might imagine. Suffice to say, Toilet Avenger is not highbrow art and falls firmly into Wayan Brother catergory. It stinks. But! I did actually laugh. Plus Carrie Fisher plays Short's mother, which is a little weird because they look about the same age.

Like the other comic book film I reviewed (Punisher: War Zone. Keep up!), what good's a hero without a villain? Step forward The Plunger, a school bully who gets caught up in the same toxic smell that gave rise to Captain Toilet. Except, because he's EVIL it affects him a little differently and gives him plungers for hands, and the ability to produce copious amounts of spit . He doesn't look too great to be honest, although when Nelson changes into Captain Toilet, he gets a weird toilet-for-a-face face, which is worth more in coolness than any amount of money.

They fight, Nelson gets the girl (played by some fantastically ugly actress called Janine Flaught) and things get set up for a (GOD NO!) sequel. Like I said, I did laugh, but only a few times. It was kind of one of those 'you have to see it to realise just how terrible something can be' films, a bit like Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (which actually gave me Eyeball Death, but more on that later). I'll give Toilet Avenger a rating of, let's say, 12 tins of Green Giant sweetcorn and a rack of Tesco's Chinese ribs.

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