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Wednesday, 24 March 2010


I grew up at the end of the 80's/start of the 90's in Australia, and one of the coolest toys and comics my friends and I played with and collected was GI JOE. I had a comic where you got to see Snake Eyes face, which was the envy of all my chums. I also vividly remember two cool instances; one where my friends and I biked to some guys house to buy second-hand, hard-to-get figures, and another time when we all piled round my friend David Hatwell's house and had a massive fight between GI JOE and Cobra. Now, if I could transport me and my friends from 1990 to right now, then sit them down in front of GI JOE: The Rise of Cobra, we would probably suffer a pleasure so great we'd have joint embollisms.

Sure, we'd probably get annoyed that King Cobra isn't in it, and Destro's Scottish (!!!), but Storm Shadow's in it, Baroness is HOT and Snake Eyes is...well...AMAZING. He's a mute ninja with a gun! Dressed entirely in black, no less. It is also an incredibly violent film, with swearing in it! swearing!

When The Dark Knight came out with a 12a rating, there was uproar about the 'glorification of violence' and 'emphasis on knife crime' and loads of other Daily Mail bollocks. To be fair, some of the worry was justified, but the BBFC defended their rating by saying "It's a comic book film, so obviously it's not real".

I wonder if they thought/said the same thing about GI JOE: The Rise of Cobra? Because it is much much MUCH more violent than The Dark Knight. A woman gets stabbed through the chest, baddies get knives in the eyes, another guy's face gets eaten by tiny robots, and so on. It's fkkking amazing, mainly because it is a gloriously stupid film. Not in a 'so bad it's good' way or 'makes you feel thick when you watch it', but stupid as in 'I can't believe they put this in a film' stupid.

Exosuits that give the wearer superpowers? CHECK.
The destruction of the Eiffel Tower? CHECK.
Ninjas? CHECK!

Director Stephen Sommers put himself in my good books by making Deep Rising, an excellent monster movie, then got a black mark next to his name when he gave the baddies in The Mummy films stretchy mouths, and overegged the pudding with Van Helsing. GI JOE puts him back to the top of the class. Dialogue that makes you laugh because it's genuinely funny? Thanks! A goofy fight scene between two 10 year olds in a kitchen? Yes, please! The inexplicable reveal that Snake Eyes has been known as Snake Eyes since he was a kid? What?

Sequel, please, Mr Sommers! Thanx