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Monday, 29 March 2010


So there I was, watching the new Friday the 13th, when a thought suddenly struck me like my dad walking in on me reading his porn mags:

"It took THREE PEOPLE to write this?!?!?!?!"

I even thought it using that punctuation.

Stop me if you've heard this one before: crazy lady kills kids because they caused her deformed son to die. Crazy lady dies and deformed son comes back to start killing other kids willy-nilly.

Now, whenever a remake rears its ginger-haired head the first thing anyone says is "not neccessary" because the large majority aren't. For every Dawn of the Dead (yes, I really like it) there's a Psycho. Okay, so the Dawn remake didn't do a lot different to the original but it did put a new spin on events and characters, anyway shut up.

Friday the 13th (2009) might as well have been done by Gus Van Sant for all the difference it makes. There is absolutely NOTHING in this version that hasn't been seen or done in any of the other ten (eleven if you include Freddy vs Jason). Maybe if it had Crispin Glover dancing like a maniac, Corey Feldman, or a psychokinetic teen, it coulda been a contender, but it doesn't. It does have TWO prologues which is completely ridiculous, since the second one explains what you just saw in the first one. Oh yeah, and Jason's mum says her son is dead, yet Jason watches her get killed??? WHAT THE-

So a girl survives the second prologue and becomes Jason's captive because SHE LOOKS LIKE HIS MUM OF COURSE! Her brother (the delicious Jared Padalalalackiaikii) has been searching for her for something like six weeks, and ends up back in whatever town has Crystal Lake in it, just as a group of rowdy kids turn up for a fun time. He makes friends with one of the girls, almost gets in a scrap with her total prick of a boyfriend (why is she with him? WHY?!) and other stuff happens that manage to involve Jason stabbing stabbing stabbing STABBING STABBING! people with a massive machete. Yes, he used to use one in the OLD films! Look how we nudge-nudge wink-wink reference them! And he wears a sack, not a mask! Until he kills a guy in a loft and OH LOOK there just so happens to be a hockey mask on the floor that he then starts to wear. Why didn't he find one later when a kid smartmouths him with a hockey stick - at least that would have made sense more than the insipid joke the kid makes.

And another thing. In the original, camp counsellors are too busy bumping boots to keep an eye on poor little Jason, so he drowns. Therefore, when he returns, he goes after horny teenagers. That's what we call 'internal logic'. New Jason has no reason other than 'because' And is that old woman supposed to be the girl from the first prologue? She clearly isn't but I suspect she is. So she knows "He's" around - yet she still lives there? Okay grandma.

A couple of people do die in the new one that I didn't expect, so good show for THAT. Only, what's that? You're going to spoil it all by making The World's Most Obvious Ending(tm)? Oh alright then, knock yourself out.

Friday the 13th (2009) is completely and utterly pointless. Why didn't they just make it the 11th in the actual series? Then at least it would only be as bad as any of the first few sequels that did exactly the same thing, just twenty years ago. The score for this bastard is: Why why why why why why why why why why why???

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