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Wednesday, 4 January 2012


And what a rollercoaster it was! Here's the year boiled down into handy statistics:

Dictators killed: 2
Locations discovered: 127
Pockets picked: 6
Pants exploded: 98
Enemies murdered: Millions
Books read: 26
Spells cast: 2
Hours rested: 2920
Children kidnapped: At least 4
Newspapers destroyed: 1
Bands disbanded: 15
Films watched: Hundreds
Pies eaten: 45
Lotions bought: 4
Bounty earned: £256

2012 looks like it's going to be even busier, with at least two apocalypses scheduled for later on in the year and whispers that JK Rowling has finally mastered the dark arts of necromancy in a bid to control the royal family. Jedward are set to team up with David Hasselhoff in order to release an album of covers so horrendous they can cause listeners to turn inside out, and Derren Brown's new show 'OBEY' promises to turn the entire UK into his army of mindless slaves. Film critic and arch writer Kim Newman reveals he's never liked cowboys, and in a stunning twist, gets put in the Celebrity Big Brother house with a cowboy. Musical nymph Pixie Lott has sex with a robot and conquers Finland, whilst giant lizards finally obliterate Tokyo in an event badly-dubbed by the Japanese prime minister as "Obvious, really."

Two little boys are found growing out of Rolf Harris, and a lawsuit is brought against Russian mafia spokesperson Téo Leoni for not actually being a Russian mafia spokesperson. After Hollywood remakes every film ever it self-combusts under the pressure of trying to come up with an original idea. Five minor wars break out like teenage acne in countries no one has ever heard of, but that doesn't stop various governments from pledging their support. The resultant military spending sends various national debts into figures so high they destroy the concept of mathematics. All goods and services in the EU can be bought by spending different amounts of time in prison, or by eliminating certain undesirables within the local community.

Microsoft unveils its new games console which is called, simply, the 'Box'. Games for it cost £100 brand new and aren't noticeably better than games for the previous console, although they do come with more Achievements. When Britain's prime minister realises how popular Achievements are, he implements a scheme in which people can gain goods and services by 'Achieving' certain targets and goals. The rest of the EU take note and pretend the previous method of obtaining goods and services never happened. Channel 4 reveals its new gameshow, which involves contestants guessing the answers to questions, but only after first pressing a buzzer. Prizes include money, and the chance to appear on telly. BBC 3 unleash twenty new comedies, each successively worse than the one before. Simon Callow guest stars in five of them.

And finally, in a light-hearted end to the year, Stephen King rewrites The Bible to include an African-American janitor with telepathy, a small boy with special needs, and the return of an ancient evil that dwells beneath a small Maine town. Critics call it "His greatest work."

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