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Monday, 16 May 2011


SIMON SAYS is a low-budget 'young adults terrorised in some woods by a maniac' gorefest, with all the usual trappings of such a film; bad acting, ropey direction, clumsy editing, (half) decent physical fx, passable CGI. By and large, it is a terrible film. But, that's like expecting a SyFy Original Movie to be, well, Original. However, there's one thing that stops this being purely a 'switch your brain off to enjoy' film:


He is magic. You have to focus on the film to drink him in. He's liquid gold on the silver screen. Let him into your eyeballs.

He 'plays' (in the same way that Marlon Brando used to 'act') identical killer twins, Simon and Stanley. Both have a 'Well, ah do de-clare' Southern accent, although Simon's more prone to stammering like...oh I'll just say it. Like a retard. During the admittedly just-right runtime of 84 minutes, you'll marvel at their insane home-made death machines that consist of old barrels and cogs fashioned into spiked deathtraps and catapults that fire pickaxes. Lots of pickaxes. Approximately 97% of the film's CGI is used to animate roughly 560 of the 572 pickaxes seen in the film, and it is GLORIOUS to behold.

But not as glorious as CRISPIN GLOVER, who shrieks 75% of his dialogue. That could be like going to a Don McClean concert in which he plays American Pie twenty times, but believe me, it's what you want to see CRISPIN GLOVER (who I'm sure shrieks his name at people when they first meet) doing. Witness some of his finest moments, via the medium of screen captures:

He's magnetic, and at times is possessed of an almost-reptilian slickness. I also wonder just how much of his dialogue was his idea ("They do bad things to God in jail" has to be one of his, surely). Sadly, he doesn't provide any music for the movie. And I'm not being sarcastic. I'll leave you with an image of CRISPIN GLOVER'S trademark Intense Face:

Woof! Look at THAT! He can demolish buildings just by looking at them! I heart U, CRISPIN GLOVER, even if you're batshit insane and about to stamp a puppy to death (which he does in this film). And whereas many other amazing actors sometimes end up in low-budget horror films to pay the bills, I think you did SIMON SAYS because you don't give a shit. Sir, I salute you!

1 comment:

  1. Just saw this ridiculous movie from start to finish, just so I could drink in Crispin. Sigh.