THE BOOK OF GOODCHILD PART 2

Now you're screwed
- W. G.

Welcome to my second blog post celebrating the wonder that is me, Wayne Goodchild.

There has been some argument and discussion concerning what godly powers Wayne Goodchild possesses...needlessly to say, if you have to ask then you don't need to know.

Which all leads nicely into my next lesson for all humankind to know:

MY ENEMIES

Being a saviour of pretty much everybody, I, Wayne Goodchild, have unfortunately picked up some bastards along the way. You shall get to know them as I describe, in vague detail, the spastics who make my blissful existence that bit harder...

Why won't you die?!
- W. G.

Actually, come to think of it, I'm not going to bother listing them, as soon, they'll all be dead.

Eat shit and die, you fucking redneck
- W. G.

All under my control is glorious, all faces beneath my gaze are righteous, and every shoe I try on, fits. I am Wayne Goodchild and I am amazing. To fully understand how truly awe-inspiring Wayne Goodchild is, I want you to imagine ALL the tallest people in the entire world stood on each other's shoulders. There might very well be quite a few basketball teams included in this scenario. Now, if you converted the resultant hieght into Greatness, I would still be better than it.

Wayne Goodchild is wise. He is the Lightbulb. He is The Way. He may make slight spelling mistakes, but they are simply tests.

DARE YOU FAIL?!

I am going to kill you
- W. G.

Everyone knows about the 'water into wine' guff. What might not jump so readily to mind is the time Wayne Goodchild turned a Nazi into a Jew. Which one holds more significance? Think about it. Also, the whole 'this is my flesh' business...proof Jesus and his disciples were cannibals. You can't trust cannibals. Wayne Goodchild doesn't go in for any of that funny business, although he is very fond of meat.

Unlike how some other deities may have created Man in their image, I did not dare to do that. It would mean, at some point, that I'd have sex with myself. Not healthy. I did create all Wayne Goodchilds in my image, though. As far as I am aware I am the only one, like Chesney Hawkes.

Yes.

Chesney Hawkes.

...
- W. G.

Back to the subject of enemies: it seems most, if not all, gods have a nemesis. God/Jesus has Satan (which actually means 'an adversary') whereas Wayne Goodchild has Nemesis, the Alton Towers' rollercoaster. Ever since travelling to the theme park at 8am, then going straight on Nemesis and promptly feeling intensely sick, I have hated that fucking ride.

I hate that fucking ride
- W. G.

Miracles. Everybody loves miracles. Be it rain holding off for Wimbledon or some grandmother lamping a mugger, miracles are lovely. Well, let Wayne Goodchild tell you:

THERE ARE NO MIRACLES! You make the world what it is, as there is nothing quite so indomitable as the human spirit. You can survive all odds - YOU CAN YOU CAN YOU CAN. Or at least, you can die trying, which makes you a victim of honour; an equally valid manner of living.

NOW. The final lesson:

OBEY WAYNE GOODCHILD
OBEY WAYNE GOODCHILD
OBEY WAYNE GOODCHILD

Only YOU can decide how to live, under my rules
- W. G.

Look for PART 3 - The Wayne Goodchild Collected Mythos - coming to an internet near you soon! SOON!

BACK ONCE AGAIN WITH THE RENEGADE MASTER

Hello, oiks. I know you all struggle to function without irregular updates from yours truly, so get on your knees in supplication because HERE COMES INFO!

I'm currently editing ATTACK OF THE 50FT BOOK. It's an anthology filled with giant monster stories, for those of you who've been living under a rock in a cave on Saturn with your eyes stitched shut and wax in your ears. I've also started work on the cover, which should look pretty cool indeed.

The artist I've contracted for the cover to A GLITCH IN THE CONTINUUM (stories about time travel/alternate reality, that all involve something going tits up) recently provided me with rough sketch ideas and they're EXCELLENT. I can't wait to reveal the finished product! I'm also working on formatting this book right now, too.

Editing should start soon for THROUGH THE WORMHOLE, an antho I'm putting together with my chum and partner in rhyme BILL TUCKER - this one's stuffed with weird sci-fi that ranges from the goofy to the grotesque!

And finally, in the anthology department, I'm just waiting for the ISBNs for NO MORE HEROES, a shared universe superhero antho me and Bill put together. This one's been delayed by a few months now, so it'll be good to finally get it out there in the big wide world.

All these books are coming out via THE LIBRARY.

As much as I enjoy putting anthologies together (and getting an insight into the publishing business in the process) I'm rather looking forward to getting these ones out the way purely because I haven't had much time to concentrate on my own writing, and I hate the idea of losing any forward momentum (I don't think that's going to happen, but there's always that little fear).

I've been very lucky in that the last few stories I've written and had accepted were for invite-only publications, something of which I'm extremely proud - I've only being getting stuff accepted/subbing stuff since Feb '09, so to be at this 'level' already gives me a bit of a big head ;). I can actually feel myself getting better at writing, as nuts as that sounds. Of course, it helps that I've found a brilliant support network of other writers, and I'm always finding more. Too many to name, in all honesty, but you could start by checking out the blogs to the other people who follow me over there --> as well as clicking on a few of the links (not least Cafe Doom and the other writer blogs). [As an aside, I definitely could do with linking to some other cool writing places such as SHOCK TOTEM but I'll leave all that for the near-future]. As naff as it sounds, I don't think I'd be where I am without a lot of the help and support of the writers I've met online (and in some cases, in real-honest-to-goodness-flesh), so thanks. You know who you are, you chumps!

In other news, every time I go in Blockbuster to rent a DVD whoever serves me actively tries to make me change my mind. I could understand if I was picking up SyFy Originals or Asylum knock-offs, but the last few films were THE LAST EXORCISM, BURIED and MONSTERS. The Last Exorcism was genuinely creepy, though I think it blows its load at the end (I like the ending but it doesn't exactly flow. But then maybe that's the point...); Buried was excellent, ballsy and deeply claustrophobic even when watching it on a household telly in a well-lit room; Monsters was good, well-shot, but overall underwhelming. Perhaps due to the "shoestring" budget, more than likely to do with the script, which felt a bit obvious.

I do, however, firmly believe that what the director/vfx artist/jack-of-all-trades Gareth Edwards has created is one hell of a calling card of his talents, and a clear indication that you don't need $squillions to make an effective film. You can arguably make a better film, but then that's pretty obvious. In any case, with all three films, the staff at Blockbuster proved themsleves to be grossly uneducated. You can have an opinion, but when you're calling something like Monsters "shocking" (as in 'shockingly bad') you need to get some sense in that coconut of yours, sunshine.

Last but not least, I'm steadily beavering away on an aforementioned 'phobia' story, that should be pretty cool once it's done and dusted - I'm linking it to/setting in the same universe as my Jonny Cave stories, which makes me feel stupidly giddy for no apparent reason. I'm also working on a million other stories, including a few that mess with the idea of alternate realities (hint: they don't actually exist as 'alternates') and one that is taking its time to scramble out my brainpan but is very strange indeed, and involves killer bird creatures and British daytime TV.

And that's ya lot! I've been Wayne Goodchild's fingers, typing his thoughts onto your screen. And you've been your eyes, reading them. Well done, you.

I ACKNOWLEDGE WAYNE GOODCHILD AS MY LORD AND MASTER, AND ADMIRE HIS TREATMENT OF ANIMALS

I would like to publicly apologise for insinuating that whatever Wayne Goodchild tells me to write is a waste of time and unimportant. Wayne Goodchild is the most important human I know, next to Willy, the little boy who accompanies me on my adventures. What? He does. That's not some weird alien rabbit slang, you pervert.

Wayne Goodchild has a special way of treating animals, even mutant ones like me. You can find out more about this particular personality quirk when this book comes out:


His story is called DR DOLITTLE, HE AIN'T and it's quite frankly the most absurd thing he's ever written. That's not my opinion, I hasten to add, but Wayne Goodchild's himself. A man gets stranded in a desert diner, clearly on the run from something...but what? When this antho comes out, you'll know! OH BOY, WILL YOU! Hint: it involves animals.

Mind you, I'm currently on the run myself - from EVIL TOADS!

Yes! Got to slip that in again!

I'VE GOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO WITH MY TIME THAN TELL EVERYONE ABOUT YOUR STUPID VHS COLLECTION

No, I simply won't do it. It's a stupid request, getting me to update your blog with news that, by this very afternoon, you'll have your frankly stupefying collection of 1980's horror films on proud display in your lounge, possibly angled so that the front covers scare the crap out of your female housemate who can't even watch a David Lynch film without cowering in abject terror. I won't do OH GODDAMN IT, you got me to do do it anyway. How the hell did that happen? There's not even any way I can offer my usual parting shot of 'mind you, something something EVIL TOADS!', except by making a point about not being able to do it, like I just did then. Argh. I'm Captain Bucky O'Hare, and I'm getting mighty fed up of caretaking Wayne Goodchild's stupid blog.

And yeah, this post really does qualify as 'guff' is you ask me. And since you're over my shoulder dictating what I write, why the hell haven't you just put all that crap about the videos yourself? Wait what are you doing? I'm sorry, Wayne Goodchild! I didn't mean to ques

WITH ALL THOSE BAD WORDS, YOU'LL GIVE ME A COMPLEX

That's a joke, because *guffaw* get this *snigger* Complex is the name of the evil toad computer I always fight! HA HA HA! Anyway, let me get serious for a moment.

Wayne Goodchild informs me he's very busy at the moment, editing and some other boring human stuff I really can't be bothered to repeat here. Something about losing work, and having time to write or YAWN BORING WAYNE. An interesting thing he did come out with is that his latest Jonny Cave story owes a debt to John Carpenter's film In The Mouth of Madness (which is one of my favourite films, alongside Bunny Girls On Top) and that his phobia story, which is about Xanthophobia (the fear of yellow) takes place in the same universe as Jonny Cave, but in modern times. That's actually quite exciting. I do enjoy writers who link their stories together. Mind you, I prefer linking up awesome hand-to-hand combat techniques when I'm fighting EVIL TOADS!