Welcome to Reverend Wayne Austin Goodchild's official blog. Not that there's an unofficial one...

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Wednesday, 27 April 2011


Now you're screwed
- W. G.

Welcome to my second blog post celebrating the wonder that is me, Wayne Goodchild.

There has been some argument and discussion concerning what godly powers Wayne Goodchild possesses...needlessly to say, if you have to ask then you don't need to know.

Which all leads nicely into my next lesson for all humankind to know:


Being a saviour of pretty much everybody, I, Wayne Goodchild, have unfortunately picked up some bastards along the way. You shall get to know them as I describe, in vague detail, the spastics who make my blissful existence that bit harder...

Why won't you die?!
- W. G.

Actually, come to think of it, I'm not going to bother listing them, as soon, they'll all be dead.

Eat shit and die, you fucking redneck
- W. G.

All under my control is glorious, all faces beneath my gaze are righteous, and every shoe I try on, fits. I am Wayne Goodchild and I am amazing. To fully understand how truly awe-inspiring Wayne Goodchild is, I want you to imagine ALL the tallest people in the entire world stood on each other's shoulders. There might very well be quite a few basketball teams included in this scenario. Now, if you converted the resultant hieght into Greatness, I would still be better than it.

Wayne Goodchild is wise. He is the Lightbulb. He is The Way. He may make slight spelling mistakes, but they are simply tests.


I am going to kill you
- W. G.

Everyone knows about the 'water into wine' guff. What might not jump so readily to mind is the time Wayne Goodchild turned a Nazi into a Jew. Which one holds more significance? Think about it. Also, the whole 'this is my flesh' business...proof Jesus and his disciples were cannibals. You can't trust cannibals. Wayne Goodchild doesn't go in for any of that funny business, although he is very fond of meat.

Unlike how some other deities may have created Man in their image, I did not dare to do that. It would mean, at some point, that I'd have sex with myself. Not healthy. I did create all Wayne Goodchilds in my image, though. As far as I am aware I am the only one, like Chesney Hawkes.


Chesney Hawkes.

- W. G.

Back to the subject of enemies: it seems most, if not all, gods have a nemesis. God/Jesus has Satan (which actually means 'an adversary') whereas Wayne Goodchild has Nemesis, the Alton Towers' rollercoaster. Ever since travelling to the theme park at 8am, then going straight on Nemesis and promptly feeling intensely sick, I have hated that fucking ride.

I hate that fucking ride
- W. G.

Miracles. Everybody loves miracles. Be it rain holding off for Wimbledon or some grandmother lamping a mugger, miracles are lovely. Well, let Wayne Goodchild tell you:

THERE ARE NO MIRACLES! You make the world what it is, as there is nothing quite so indomitable as the human spirit. You can survive all odds - YOU CAN YOU CAN YOU CAN. Or at least, you can die trying, which makes you a victim of honour; an equally valid manner of living.

NOW. The final lesson:


Only YOU can decide how to live, under my rules
- W. G.

Look for PART 3 - The Wayne Goodchild Collected Mythos - coming to an internet near you soon! SOON!

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