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Friday, 25 June 2010

IT'S A REAL SEA POOPER

Just watched The Fog remake, and I'm not quite sure why.

Tom Welling almost acts in it, although there was about five minutes of the movie where I thought he was supposed to be a bit of a dickhead, then realised it was down to a dodgy script.

His girlfriend in it, played by someone with a very flat face, gets to wear a really stupid hat. I couldn't really concentrate on what was happening whenever she was on-screen because I just kept thinking "Why would anyone ever want to wear a hat that stupid?".

The black guy is extremely tedious comic relief, and gets forgotten for 90% of the running time, and when he came back in to proceedings...huh...I've already completely forgotten what happens to him.

The local priest is a drunk, who contributes precisely zero to the plot and story, apart from a supernatural level of reticence about what's happening.

The leper ghost zombies from the first film are still leper ghost zombies but they can't seem to make up their mind how they like to kill people. Set them on fire? Give them instantaneous and fast-acting leprosy? Pull/throw them through windows?

I think in the original they come back for revenge on the town after a certain amount of time (but I might be wrong about this). In this version, some of their belongings get washed up on the shore and, apparently, when the flat-faced girl touches one of these, that's what summons the leper ghost zombies. That's certainly the impression I got anyway.

Selma Blair is NOT Adrienne Barbeau.

Her on-screen son is a very ugly child and could have been removed from the film with no real difference to events, apart from making the film as a whole less ugly.

There is a nice bit at the end that was a bit out of leftfield, even though it involved a stupid 'historical identity' idea that sucks balls in every single film it's used in. "Oh my, the ghosts/monsters have chosen you based on your uncanny resemblance to my dead wife" etc.

The film completely and utterly lacks any form of tension or suspense. Fog that moves against the wind and swallows up all in its path should be shit scary, or at least creepy, but in this it's typically greeted with the same horror as someone who's realised they left their pizza in the oven a little bit too long.

Quite why the fog doesn't do everything in one night is also unexplained. It turns up, pops a few lightbulbs, scares some kids on a boat and kills them, then decides its had enough for one evening and buggers off. Oh, and one of these corpses later comes back to life for no real reason other than to scare the flat-faced girl. Why don't the other corpses come back to life? I imagine the ghosts couldn't be bothered with the effort. Much like the makers of this film. ZING!

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