55 LICKS

is apparently the average amount of licks it takes to eat a standard ice cream, like what you done get from those roving automobiles what sells them with the flakes.

I sometimes wish I had superpowers. Maybe speed, the ability to do mega leaps, and the power to punch a building to death. But then I become privvy to the slowly dawning realisation that my powers would be completely wasted on this world. Sure, I'd go off, maybe wearing my underwear over my jeans, and lots of black. I'd patrol the town, watching dilligently from the rooftops. But, to be fair, Scunthorpe doesn't really need a superhero. Because it's a bit too small. And not bothered by crimes the police can't handle (well that's the theory anyway AAHHHH SATIRE). So I'd probably have to move to London.

London, with it's sprawling miles of urban development and veritable encyclopaedia of crimes. A small fact: the original London A - Z, when it was first published in 1897, was actually a list of the crimes found being perpetrated in the capital. Canny marketing types soon twigged that tourists didn't want to know exactly how they could die, or be parted from their jewels. So, they made it about roads. Sales plummeted by 29% in the next year.

I think there might be too many crimes to stop in London. Plus, London is very expensive. I'd have to try and strike up a contract with the government so I could actually get paid. However, I'd then be "owned" by the country, making me their very own super weapon. I don't like the idea of this at all. I kind of imagine I'd be a bit more of a mercenary superhero. I wouldn't do anything too mean, but I would like to blow things up. I could stop a car of bank robbers by blowing it up. I could clear the way for a divebombing passenger jet by blowing up the housing estate it's due to crash land into. And so forth.

Also, if I worked for the government I'd be expected to do loads of really shitty jobs, like chasing muggers, or beating up junkies. And I'd only get two weeks holiday a year. And then I'd go on holiday, and find out that due to the terms of my contract, the country I'm now in shares diplomatic ties with the UK, so I'd be inclined to help stop crimes for them. On my days off!

I could charge a silly amount of money for my contract, to counter-act all this, but then I'd feel obliged to stop entire armies or something, to earn my pay. I don't think I'd quite want to do anything so mental.

But most importantly of all, no superhero wants to use their powers to stop normal criminals. Unless what ever gave me my powers also souped up someone else to be my nemesis, I really don't see the point in using my amazing abilities to apprehend a bag snatcher, or calm down drunks leaving a nightclub at 3am. I could, quite easily, but it raises a whole 'the cops are no longer needed' argument, which means I'd make enemies in the police forces because with me around, they're redundant. The next stop from that would be bigwigs from those agencies (police, army, etc) setting up some kind of Anti-Superhero task force, probably splintering off from the main government, and trying to kill and/or dishonour me, in revenge for taking their jobs. And maybe their women. I do suppose bitches get hot for a superhero who captures rapists and paedophiles. I'm making the world safe for them and their kids! How grateful they'd be.

I wouldn't take advantage though. I'd have honour, even if I practiced dubious morales. I could always get bored and do a Spider-Man 3; wear eyeliner, put my fringe over my face, start jazz dancing and beating up women. Turn, not evil, just...in to a bit of a shit. That might get boring real quick too, since I'd decimate whoever got sent after me, making the whole thing pointless.

Until that time, I can make do with watching the insane run of brand new gameshows ITV seems to be shovelling into it's 5pm slot. I strongly suspect they are throwing as much shit as possible at the eyes of Britain's viewers, and seeing what doesn't get wiped away.