SOZ MATE, BUT YOUR LIFE'S SHIT (AND IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU WERE MADE TO REALISE IT)

Shut your mouth and kiss a pigeon.

HI. I'm Randy Turnips and I'm here to help YOU achieve a better life, with my patented Plain Truth™ technique. I'll tell you things you should already know, especially if you're an adult, and in turn you will thank me for ramming simple truths down your throat. Right after you've expressed hatred and/or rage at the idea that you need someone else to tell you them. Don't worry, friend--much like grief, there are many aspects and phases to accepting the truth, and the most immediate and common is the 'This Is Bullshit' phase, or as I like to call it, 'The Unaccepting Schwarzenegger' phase. You're in good company, so calm down.

1. JEALOUSY IS UGLY.
So are certain European women, but that's probably due to inbreeding/radiation. Jealousy is like inbreeding/radiation, as it eats away at all the good things inside your body and replaces them with twisted, mean things until there is nothing good left. Every time a friend or someone you know succeeds, is your typical, immediate response "I'm going to do something amazing too"? Being inspired by a friend is one thing, but if you're more concerned with showing everybody how ace YOU can be, maybe you're a tad self-obsessed. But WHY are you self-obsessed? Because you're jealous. Maybe you routinely fail, not only at all your "amazing" things, but at noticing that you've failed. Don't worry, plenty of people are like this. I was like you, once. Don't be jealous. Prove you can put your money where your mouth is. Oh, what's that? This segues nicely into point 2? My god, you're right!

2. 'ALL MOUTH AND NO TROUSERS' IS NOT A COMPLIMENT
Have you got a bad case of the big ideas? Like to tell everybody of your grand plans and schemes to better yourself/improve your life/do something amazing but never actually do anything? Maybe you have so many big ideas that you count on the next one eclipsing the previous failed one(s). You crafty bastard! Unfortunately, you're only doing yourself a disservice. Jealousy and self-obsession are bad enough, but when you add 'self-delusion' to the mix, then buddy, you're in trouble. Sooner or later, people will get tired of all your talk and start to show only a polite interest in what you're gobbing off about, and then no interest at all. Why should they waste their time and energy humouring someone who wastes theirs? Until you finally follow through on one of your big ideas, you'll forever suffer from IBS of the soul, and that shit's contagious, brah.

3. FORGET THE STATUS QUO AND FOCUS ON YOUR OWN HAPPINESS
Are YOU consumed with the idea that you need to own your own home, have a family, and work in a well-paid job? FUCK THAT! Whenever you feel pressured by society, shout "FUCK THAT!" and forge your own path! Look at me: I'm a famous, inspirational, motivational speaker and I don't have a wife or kids, and live in a box in the woods. But shit son, I'm doing what I want and positively affecting other people's lives! You can't put a price tag on that. Well, you can, but I'm too polite to talk about my earnings and the way they're funnelled through Swiss banks to avoid tax. Have a good think about what makes you happy. Playing the guitar? Doing maths? Digging holes? Are you good at it? Try to make money from it! You might need to supplement your earnings with another job, but what the hell--you'll still be doing what you enjoy! "But Randy, I don't know how to make money from digging holes!" My friend, let me introduce you to a concept I like to call RESEARCH. Use the internet, the library, Citizen's Advice Bureau, your local council...there are LITERALLY a lot of avenues to explore. If, however, you're the sort of lazy arsehole who can't be bothered to make any kind of real effort, then there is no help for you. Have fun living in your mum's basement for the rest of your life.

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RANDY TURNIPS is the award-winning writer of "I Can't Make You Famous But I Can Make You Happy" and "I Can't Make You Happy But I Can Make You Famous". The above article is an excerpt from his latest bestseller "Time To Realise You're An Idiot". He currently lives off the grid in some woods, for reasons that have nothing to do with the FBI.