|IS THIS YOU? If so, YOU'RE A MESS!|
Because it's National Boyfriend Day, I would like to share something with you. Shut up and you might learn something.
People often ask me "Hey Dave, how does someone as mildly astounding as you manage to remain successfully single?"
"Firstly, that's not my name," I say, "and secondly, by choice. Otherwise I'd be overrun."
"I thought as much," people reply. "But what about if you do turn 'it' off and make yourself unavoidable? How can *I* get a boyfriend?"
"It's very easy," I say. "Simply follow my advice and you'll have a boyfriend in no time!"
"No time isn't a quantifiable amount," people reply.
"Shut up and listen," I say. I then tell them the following FACTS:
Message a boy every day. At least once, but lots more if you get the chance. This shows you're keen. Social media is great because it allows you to send elaborate and painfully desperate messages for free, rather than waste your free text allowance on sending truncated missives like 'Ur fit lol', thereby allowing you to send a potentially infinite amount. You may have heard the adage 'treat them mean, keep them keen'. That's rubbish. Treat a boy mean and they'll think you're just being rude. He will then seek solace with someone who isn't rude. To be clear: someone who isn't you.
Show you're dead keen on equal rights, like all women, by not allowing the boy to pay for anything if you go out. And/or always get him the first round. Also, open doors for him. He'll see this role reversal as a ballsy move on your part to establish yourself as the dominant one in the relationship, and we all know that every boy on the planet has mother issues.
Comment on his fashion sense at every available opportunity, and convince him to wear skinny jeans, preferably red or green, so he looks like a Christmas elf squeezed into twin denim icing tubes. This will accentuate his legs and groin, because it will be impossible not to notice these things. Again, it's tantamount to marking your territory, but in a painfully obvious way. Which leads onto the next piece of advice...
Be obvious. All the time. Boys don't like flirting or suggestion. They want to be told "This is how it is." No, it doesn't kill any sense of romance or mystery! It has exactly the opposite effect, and makes a boy wonder what the hell happened to you in the past that made you so domineering. And boys find domineering women sexy, even if they claim otherwise. They love being told what to do.
This advice is literally the tip of the iceberg. If you want your relationship to be the Titanic, sign up for my FREE newsletter ('How To Get Sex For Cheap') or send £39.99 to the usual address for a copy of my instructional VHS tape ('Don't Take No For An Answer'). Follow my lead and you, too, will soon have your very own boyfriend! Guaranteed!*