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Thursday, 16 February 2012


So there I was, busily writing up a devastatingly witty post, when all-of-a-sudden there came the distinctive crash of my mother's porcelain cockerspaniel collection being kicked off the windowsill. I looked up in astonishment to see a weirdly familiar face. The following events ACTUALLY HAPPENED.


BLOG INVADER: Quiet, fool, or they’ll know I’m here. They’re everywhere, you know. Following me.

RWAG: Wait a minute, you're that writer - Bobby Harness! Who's following you, Bobby? Is it rampant fans?

BI: Curses, my carefully crafted cover is kaput! That's Harkess, to you, sunshine. R B Harkess, the soon to be world famous writer. Take care, or I shall loose my horde of loyal followers upon thee. Well, loyal until 7pm, anyway.

RWAG: Is that so? I have my own loyal followers, but they're on shift rotation so I don't get to see them very often. And I suppose you've really invaded my blog so you can plug something. That's all you lot ever want to do. No, "How's your mum doing, Wayne?" or "I like what you've done with the place". So come on, let's have it: what are you selling?

ROBERT HARKESS: Impudent knave. I know your mother intimately, and apart from a touch of rust around the chin she is in perfectly good condition. She says you never call her any more.

But perhaps I should shine a light of wonder into this dark and gloomy place, for behold! I bring you wonders in the form of this stunning new novel for our younger readers. Those that the marketing fraternity have decided will be called 'young adults'.

RWAG: Argh! That information is too bright! And even though I’m mentally and physically beyond the target audience, I suppose it’d be rude not to let you continue your disgusting pimpage. In other words, WHAT IS IT?

RH: It is a science fiction adventure of strange places and stranger people, and of the tribulations of a small group who have to work their way through these aliens realms to save several hundred thousands from a catastrophe. A no-doubt welcome break for those weary of a steady diet of sparkling paranormal romance. All in a handy digital file for display on any number of those fascinating e-reader gadgets.

RWAG: Much against my better judgement, I feel myself inclined to ask for further information on this 'science fiction adventure'. Does it have robots in it? Sexy astronauts? Sexy robot astronauts? And is this your first full-length? Aren't you more at home writing horror? In fact, aren't you more at home in your own bloody blog?

RH: Questions do not offend me. They show you acknowledge your own ignorance and so I shall enlighten you.

Robots, no. Smart-alec computers and a hero who can talk to machines - oh yes, and in abundance.

Given the intended audience, not so much of the sexy. However, we do have a number of runaway, mayhem creating devices and a tunnel full of dried out corpses (see, I can still do the horror).

And yes, this is my first venture into the novel. I do love to write short fiction, and relish the snappy literary syllabub. But sometimes an idea simply demands to be given more room to breathe.

Still, I can tell when I have outstayed my welcome. Those with discerning taste or a longer attention span can find out more at http://www.aphroditesdawn.com/, or on my personal page at http://www.rbharkess.com/.

I'll just get my cloak...

RWAG: Not so fast, Harkess! I have final question for you, and the least you can do is answer it after the mess you've made of my carpet. If Aphrodite's Dawn was a sci-fi sound effect, what sound effect would it be?

RH: Did somebody leave the key in the drugs cabinet again? Sound effect? Hmmmmmmm.

Stargate (SG-1, of course); activating a gate using a DHD

And then, like the Cadbury's Milk Tray Man, he was gone. The only sign of his ever been there a broken window, rope, and box of half-eaten chocolates. I've called Crimestoppers, but until they get a solid lead on his whereabouts, you can help keep an eye on his nefarious activities at the aforementioned websites. If you're too lazy to move your eyes up a few lines, here they are again: http://www.aphroditesdawn.com/ and http://www.rbharkess.com/. And if you're a writer who's got funny ideas about invading my blog, you'd better bloody well ask first.


  1. Fear not oh wise RWAG... for your BI will become more famous than he has yet to realise....you will be grateful that you know such a great and marvellous personage...