http://www.amazon.com/Wayne-Goodchild/e/B003OBUP66
Full details HERE!
GO ON THEN.
 |
| I never realised this little tyke was eating sand. What a champ! |
And so is this blog.
Sunday, 12 January 2014
WIN! WIN! WIN! A! A! A! BOOK! BOOK! BOOK!
BUT NOT JUST ANY BOOK. One of THESE:
http://www.amazon.com/Wayne-Goodchild/e/B003OBUP66
Full details HERE!
GO ON THEN.
http://www.amazon.com/Wayne-Goodchild/e/B003OBUP66
Full details HERE!
GO ON THEN.
Monday, 6 January 2014
ABSOLUTELY NOT WORTH READING
It's the New Year and everyone's come down with a serious case of the Resolutions. Me? I say nuts to that. Why? Because what's the point. I don't mean that in an existential way, but rather, a more literal sense. What IS the point? People say things like "New Year, New You!" and "THIS will be my year!" and associated self-motivating disclaimers such as "Last year wasn't so great, but this is a fresh start!".
Firstly, it's not a fresh start. Life doesn't magically reset at 12am on January the 1st. It continues on, as interminable as always. Any choices you made before the end of the year will still have consequences, as will your actions. I'm not down on resolutions, because I'm sure there are many people who stick to them. But you shouldn't use the new year as an excuse to improve your life; you can use any day in any month to do that.
We all put things off. "I'll start my diet after this pie!" or "No more cigarettes from Monday!". That's fine. But don't keep delaying it. I firmly believe everyone is stronger than they think they are. Maybe an act, or continued acts, of weakness have served to undermine their self-belief. That's also fine. What isn't, is letting that sort of thing continue. It takes real courage to face whatever's causing all this and put a stop to it.
Yeah I know, I'm mouthing off. When you're embroiled in a difficult situation it can be extremely difficult to see a way out. I get that. Good grief, do I. But this is where the irrefutable flow of time comes into play. Life goes on, to be cold and distant about it. The future is not yet written, so in that regard everyone still has a chance to make it what they want. I never used to plan ahead because, to be frank, I've always been a little defeatist and I half-expect things to fail.
Well no, that's not strictly true. I'm more of a pessimistic optimist. I hope for the best, but expect the worst. That way, I can't be disappointed or surprised when things go tits up. I've always been scared of losing momentum, even when it's readily apparent I'm moving like a runaway train. Or at least, I was like this.
Ok, so I still am a bit. Old habits die hard. There's a Bruce Willis versus a nun joke in there somewhere. But mainly, I'm now not only happy to make plans for the future, but I (perhaps pathologically) refuse to accept they'll fail. Once again, this isn't entirely true. Instead, I now more actively consider the worst possible outcome, but without concentrating on it. I consider what it might be, then carry on. Onwards and upwards!
And, in essence, this is why I am not going to bother with a, or any, resolutions this year. Because I now know what I want, and how to get it. I don't need to promise myself that I'll do certain things, because I know I'm going to do them. I'm also not going to set myself daft targets, because I'd rather spend that energy on the aforementioned things I'm definitely going to do. nb. I'm not talking about dreams and aspirations here: we all need those, just temper them with reality so as to stand a better chance of attaining them. My goals are pretty mundane, really, and it boils down to two words that, until recently, sent a shiver of fear down my spine:
Settle down.
Those words have always conjured visions of working in an office, having two kids (a boy and a girl) and settling for a partner who's perfectly adequate. Of becoming stagnant.
Not any more, buddy! I now read it as meaning to become comfortable and content. Not as in 'stuck in a rut' but 'happy and in a place I want to be'. Maybe this is what maturity feels like. Maybe 24 year old me would balk at all this and go "Oh god, you've given up!". Up yours, young me! Like most hippies become middle management, the aimless youth becomes a guided missile. Focus and planning develop from the malaise of failed or unmet expectations. Why did I do wrong? How can I improve myself? are questions that're finally asked. Or counterpoint arguments, such as Why did that go wrong? How can I learn from this? are suitably considered.
So that's that. Nothing wrong with resolutions, in theory. Plus, you can always play safe and make ones relating to things you can't possibly fail at (like 'remember to breathe'). But if you feel like you need a change, or can in some way improve your life, or have finally realised what you want, then take it. Do everything you can to achieve it. I'm sure you'll do it, because I can, and I had absolutely no focus for years. And most importantly, do it NOW, or soon. Not next year.
- excerpt from my best-selling self-help book 'Don't Murder Anyone (If You Can Help It)'
 |
| I don't want to know where he's putting those thumbs |
We all put things off. "I'll start my diet after this pie!" or "No more cigarettes from Monday!". That's fine. But don't keep delaying it. I firmly believe everyone is stronger than they think they are. Maybe an act, or continued acts, of weakness have served to undermine their self-belief. That's also fine. What isn't, is letting that sort of thing continue. It takes real courage to face whatever's causing all this and put a stop to it.
Yeah I know, I'm mouthing off. When you're embroiled in a difficult situation it can be extremely difficult to see a way out. I get that. Good grief, do I. But this is where the irrefutable flow of time comes into play. Life goes on, to be cold and distant about it. The future is not yet written, so in that regard everyone still has a chance to make it what they want. I never used to plan ahead because, to be frank, I've always been a little defeatist and I half-expect things to fail.
Well no, that's not strictly true. I'm more of a pessimistic optimist. I hope for the best, but expect the worst. That way, I can't be disappointed or surprised when things go tits up. I've always been scared of losing momentum, even when it's readily apparent I'm moving like a runaway train. Or at least, I was like this.
Ok, so I still am a bit. Old habits die hard. There's a Bruce Willis versus a nun joke in there somewhere. But mainly, I'm now not only happy to make plans for the future, but I (perhaps pathologically) refuse to accept they'll fail. Once again, this isn't entirely true. Instead, I now more actively consider the worst possible outcome, but without concentrating on it. I consider what it might be, then carry on. Onwards and upwards!
And, in essence, this is why I am not going to bother with a, or any, resolutions this year. Because I now know what I want, and how to get it. I don't need to promise myself that I'll do certain things, because I know I'm going to do them. I'm also not going to set myself daft targets, because I'd rather spend that energy on the aforementioned things I'm definitely going to do. nb. I'm not talking about dreams and aspirations here: we all need those, just temper them with reality so as to stand a better chance of attaining them. My goals are pretty mundane, really, and it boils down to two words that, until recently, sent a shiver of fear down my spine:
Settle down.
Those words have always conjured visions of working in an office, having two kids (a boy and a girl) and settling for a partner who's perfectly adequate. Of becoming stagnant.
Not any more, buddy! I now read it as meaning to become comfortable and content. Not as in 'stuck in a rut' but 'happy and in a place I want to be'. Maybe this is what maturity feels like. Maybe 24 year old me would balk at all this and go "Oh god, you've given up!". Up yours, young me! Like most hippies become middle management, the aimless youth becomes a guided missile. Focus and planning develop from the malaise of failed or unmet expectations. Why did I do wrong? How can I improve myself? are questions that're finally asked. Or counterpoint arguments, such as Why did that go wrong? How can I learn from this? are suitably considered.
So that's that. Nothing wrong with resolutions, in theory. Plus, you can always play safe and make ones relating to things you can't possibly fail at (like 'remember to breathe'). But if you feel like you need a change, or can in some way improve your life, or have finally realised what you want, then take it. Do everything you can to achieve it. I'm sure you'll do it, because I can, and I had absolutely no focus for years. And most importantly, do it NOW, or soon. Not next year.
- excerpt from my best-selling self-help book 'Don't Murder Anyone (If You Can Help It)'
Tuesday, 31 December 2013
THE 100% COMPLETELY FACTUAL YEAR IN REVIEW!
2013: a year that saw R Kelly make a staggering comeback and NASA discover a supervillain's secret HQ on the moon. Bookies across the UK lost vast amounts of money when a computer error meant everybody that placed a bet on anything to do with X Factor automatically won. But only money, not at life. Let's have a look at a month-by-month look at the year's events month-by-month:
JANUARY
Typically the first month of any year, January 2013 was actually replaced by Mad Men actress January Jones. Everybody agreed she was much nicer than the usual January, and laws have already being put into effect to enable her to start every year from now on.
FEBRUARY
2013 wasn't a leap year, but nobody told February that, meaning it's actually New Year's Eve tomorrow. Unless you live in Australia, in which case it's today. Congratulations!
MARCH
Newspaper headlines the world over celebrated the birth of a royal baby, but soon realised they were a few months early. Scientists in Switzerland noticed a glitch in the space time continuum and began to study it in earnest.
APRIL
Jeremy Beadle returned from the dead to record an anniversary episode of Beadle's About, but the jammy trickster pulled the wool over our eyes yet again by revealing it was all an April Fools' joke and that he was actually still dead. This took the wind out of Noel Edmonds' sails when he tried to one-up Beadle by surprising him with a Gotcha, only to find him a lifeless corpse. This put a dark spin on his charitable efforts, for some reason, but did provide a new theme episode for Deal or No Deal: dead jokers. Noel dressed as Bob Monkhouse. The Banker was voiced by Norman Wisdom.
MAY
Kanye West rolled out a new range of clothes for people with five limbs. When it was pointed out that very few people have that many limbs, Kanye insisted he knew what he was doing since he was "basically Jesus". Everybody stopped talking to him after that. Scientists in Switzerland noticed a glitch in the space time continuum and began to study it in earnest.
JUNE
June 2013 disappointed nobody by being the sixth month of the year for the thousandth year running. Emo Frankenstein monster Matt Smith made fun of geeks by declaring Dr Who to be "bollocks" and "for people who can't get sex off anyone alive". He then said he'd be leaving it at the end of year to "go do some of that acting stuff".
JULY
A human skull was discovered in Australia, shaking their national history to the core. Experts figured it belonged to a man from the 1600s, which surprised every Australian ever because, as far as their history goes, only 500 years ago dinosaurs still ruled the earth.
AUGUST
I had a birthday and received a phone call from the future love of my life. Absolutely nothing else mattered anywhere else in the universe.
SEPTEMBER
A wormhole engulfed New York, before depositing it over Bognor Regis. The resultant merger (dubbed 'New Bognor') turned the city into THE holiday destination for anyone who loved erratic taxi driving and terrible football teams. More wormholes appeared in Africa, Japan and Russia, wiping those countries from the planet. In other world news: Gotham elected a new Batman, to be played by Dizzee Rascal.
OCTOBER
Africa, Japan and Russia reappeared, with no apparent ill-effects. Giant monsters then rose from the depths to enslave mankind, but that didn't last long and it barely warranted a mention in the media. No one thought the two things were related. Kanye West said something about something but people still tried to ignore him. It was starting to get difficult, because the little bugger was everywhere.
NOVEMBER
2013 suddenly realised it was about to die, and pulled out all the stops to make itself memorable. Unfortunately, no one noticed.
DECEMBER
The year resigned itself to the same fate of every other year and the weather reflected this. Floods and strong winds swept several farm girls to various make-believe lands. The Remake Frenzy that had been sweeping through Hollywood since the start of 2013 finally obliterated all remaining original thought.
Which brings us to today, and 2013's dying light. Good riddance, 2013. You weren't the best, but neither were you the worst. We halfheartedly salute you, the same way we thank an elderly relative for knitting us an ill-fitting jumper.
JANUARY
Typically the first month of any year, January 2013 was actually replaced by Mad Men actress January Jones. Everybody agreed she was much nicer than the usual January, and laws have already being put into effect to enable her to start every year from now on.
FEBRUARY
2013 wasn't a leap year, but nobody told February that, meaning it's actually New Year's Eve tomorrow. Unless you live in Australia, in which case it's today. Congratulations!
MARCH
Newspaper headlines the world over celebrated the birth of a royal baby, but soon realised they were a few months early. Scientists in Switzerland noticed a glitch in the space time continuum and began to study it in earnest.
APRIL
Jeremy Beadle returned from the dead to record an anniversary episode of Beadle's About, but the jammy trickster pulled the wool over our eyes yet again by revealing it was all an April Fools' joke and that he was actually still dead. This took the wind out of Noel Edmonds' sails when he tried to one-up Beadle by surprising him with a Gotcha, only to find him a lifeless corpse. This put a dark spin on his charitable efforts, for some reason, but did provide a new theme episode for Deal or No Deal: dead jokers. Noel dressed as Bob Monkhouse. The Banker was voiced by Norman Wisdom.
MAY
Kanye West rolled out a new range of clothes for people with five limbs. When it was pointed out that very few people have that many limbs, Kanye insisted he knew what he was doing since he was "basically Jesus". Everybody stopped talking to him after that. Scientists in Switzerland noticed a glitch in the space time continuum and began to study it in earnest.
JUNE
June 2013 disappointed nobody by being the sixth month of the year for the thousandth year running. Emo Frankenstein monster Matt Smith made fun of geeks by declaring Dr Who to be "bollocks" and "for people who can't get sex off anyone alive". He then said he'd be leaving it at the end of year to "go do some of that acting stuff".
JULY
A human skull was discovered in Australia, shaking their national history to the core. Experts figured it belonged to a man from the 1600s, which surprised every Australian ever because, as far as their history goes, only 500 years ago dinosaurs still ruled the earth.
AUGUST
I had a birthday and received a phone call from the future love of my life. Absolutely nothing else mattered anywhere else in the universe.
SEPTEMBER
A wormhole engulfed New York, before depositing it over Bognor Regis. The resultant merger (dubbed 'New Bognor') turned the city into THE holiday destination for anyone who loved erratic taxi driving and terrible football teams. More wormholes appeared in Africa, Japan and Russia, wiping those countries from the planet. In other world news: Gotham elected a new Batman, to be played by Dizzee Rascal.
OCTOBER
Africa, Japan and Russia reappeared, with no apparent ill-effects. Giant monsters then rose from the depths to enslave mankind, but that didn't last long and it barely warranted a mention in the media. No one thought the two things were related. Kanye West said something about something but people still tried to ignore him. It was starting to get difficult, because the little bugger was everywhere.
NOVEMBER
2013 suddenly realised it was about to die, and pulled out all the stops to make itself memorable. Unfortunately, no one noticed.
DECEMBER
The year resigned itself to the same fate of every other year and the weather reflected this. Floods and strong winds swept several farm girls to various make-believe lands. The Remake Frenzy that had been sweeping through Hollywood since the start of 2013 finally obliterated all remaining original thought.
Which brings us to today, and 2013's dying light. Good riddance, 2013. You weren't the best, but neither were you the worst. We halfheartedly salute you, the same way we thank an elderly relative for knitting us an ill-fitting jumper.
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