THE THING ON A BOAT

No, I'm not talking about the lumpy superhero one - who would surely sink a boat with his weight were he ever on one - though you'd be forgiven for thinking so, given that the latest Fantastic Four is now out and assaulting everybody's eyeballs with its apparent awfulness. I mean THIS Thing:

and I mean THIS boat:

I'm talking about HARBINGER DOWN (2015). I don't think I've been so angry/disappointed in a film for ages. With that lazy, but unfortunately accurate, post title, HARBINGER DOWN sets his sights both too high and too low and as such squanders any potential on derivation.

The plot, such as it is, follows university student Sadie, her professor, and a fellow student, as they track migrating whales. They hitch a ride aboard Sadie's grandfather's ship (the titular Harbinger) and settle in with the rest of the crew, as they go about their usual business of scooping up crabs from the Arctic sea. However, when Sadie dips a camera into the sea one night to video some nearby whales, she spots a blinking red light - some space junk is stuck in the ice! After it's brought aboard, they find a dead astronaut inside, and Russian markings. WEIRD!

We already know this set to happen after a intro sequence showing the astronaut hurtling to earth with pink goo dripping into the craft. In 1982. For no explicable reason, the film itself is set nowadays. I assume it's to explain the 'cutting edge' genetic testing equipment Sadie and company bring aboard, but that all feels ultimately rather perfunctory - there is nothing in this film, technology-wise, that couldn't have been done to a certain extent if the film was still set in the 80s. In fact, it would have made a lot more sense overall.

This is a low budget film with an emphasis on practical effects, which is certainly something to be applauded. Especially if you've grown up on a steady diet of 80s horror like me. I suspect HARBINGER DOWN wants to be a throwback, but it only succeeds at the very basic level. An underdeveloped script and ropey acting isn't surprising, but what is, is the utter lack of inspiration evident elsewhere, especially the effects.

Something happened on the Russian space craft that affected microscopic organisms aboard. These 'water bears' have developed a disgusting knack of absorbing the genetic code of whatever they touch and mutating the host/themselves into grotesque creatures. Nothing wrong with that idea at all; it's pure pulp sci-fi horror. When a sample of the creature/living pink goo is tested by Sadie, she comments that it's likely to have absorbed the genetic code of over 100 creatures as it lay frozen/hibernating in the Arctic sea. Immediately, we're being elegantly told that this monster can become pretty much anything, can form any number of horrific combinations.

So why does it largely appear as a formless quivering mass/worm thing/worm thing with tendrils? There is one instance when it appears as a spindly clawed person-thing that is obviously a puppet/person in a suit, but by god it's glorious. The film sets itself up to go balls-to-the-wall with weird/insane creature designs but it plays it safe 99% of the time.

It's not all bad - the clear highlight is Lance Henrikson as the ship's grizzled captain. He's known for phoning his performances in lately, but he certainly does not do that here, nor does the script squander him. He's a strong character with something approaching substance, especially compared to the pieces of furniture he's surrounded by. He also gets the film's one genuinely emotional moment. The lass who plays Sadie isn't bad, either. Close-but-no-cigar to the chap who plays her professor, who handles himself well right up until he goes HAM on the acting, in every sense. Also special mention to the 'not at all suspicious' Russian woman with the most terrifying eyes I've ever seen on a  human who isn't infected by killer goo:

AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But, sadly, this is all outweighed by the aforementioned derivation. Nothing wrong with being influenced by or tipping your hat to a cult favourite like THE THING (I'm pretty sure there are a few background nods in this film, including a Chess Wizard computer) unless...

Unless you're creating a facsimile. HARBINGER DOWN might look atmospheric in screenshots, and the occasional exterior shots in the film of the boat surrounded by ice, but that's all there is. Ridiculous scenes (a far-too-violent cabin fight between Creepy Eyes and the resident giant) and contrivances (why did Russia wait thirty years to recover their space junk IF THE BEACON WAS ACTIVE? AND why did they send an agent on a ship that COINCIDENTALLY happened to pass it? AND...oh it goes on and on) do more to sink this ship than any mutant creature ever could. Especially galling are the brief flashes of originality, such as the change wrought upon the first human victim, or the refreshingly diverse cast.

I wanted to like HARBINGER DOWN. More than that: I wanted to admire it, for professing an open love for a cult horror film and a reliance on practical fx over CGI (though I'm pretty sure there's a fair splash of these). Its DNA is ultimately too similar to its inspiration, and other 'horror on a boat' films (most notably the Jamie Lee Curtis film VIRUS) so that, despite the filmmaker's best intentions, HARBINGER DOWN is more throwaway than throwback.

And now some music:

GOOD LORD, HE'S *EVERYWHERE*!

Yep. Like an ancient horror waking from its centuries old slumber, my influence is slowly spreading. I've reclaimed my TWITTER and FACEBOOK PAGE from Dr. Quincy, M.E - we're still on good terms, and he's happy to have me as his agent, but he's simply too busy solving murders and fighting City Hall to bother with the internet at the moment. I've also set up a DEVIANT ART site specifically for my current monster project (which I've dubbed 'Unfathomable Legs') and I've also, finally, figured out how to use INSTAGRAM on my PC since I don't have one of those new-fangled smartphones. Yes, I am from the 20th Century, what of it? I've also figured out how to get my music on here, you lucky freaks -->



More of this can be heard HERE and HERE!

And that's HOW for NOW!

I GIVE IT A SOLID 'B' FOR EFFORT

Hello, you.

I could rattle on about how terribly dull it is being unemployed for the first time in almost six years, and how it should never be this difficult to land work in the arts/education sector when you've got as much experience as I, but those things are for diaries and livejournal. Which still exists! Welcome to the internet, where nothing ever dies.

Instead, I'm here to regale you with news of my moderately exciting return to creative endeavours. The stuff noted above is the main reason why I've lacked the...hmm, I was going to say 'motivation' but that's not entirely accurate. More like inspiration to do much of anything creative. But lately, I've found my muse, and it has enabled me to write music for the first time in MONTHS and take up a new hobby: making monsters! Ta da:

I'm a massive fan of monster toys, from Monster In My Pocket through to collecting weird bootleg/cheapo creatures from pound shops/dollar stores. These are/were supposed to be my version of such things, but I got a bit carried away and made them massive, especially the one at the back. In any case, the idea is that the smaller ones are failed experiments combining elements of shark, t-rex and yabby (a type of crayfish) and the 'tyrant' is the successful end product.  Ideally, if I can shrink them down quite a bit (in terms of making new, smaller sculpts) I'll then cast them in resin as actual purchasable collectibles! And/or plastic, since I have some liquid plastic to experiment with, too.

This is the 'first wave', with subsequent waves combining three different creatures in four different ways. I'm currently working on a backstory for them all, so there's a fun narrative tied-in with their appearance. I'd also quite like to have a go at sculpting/molding/casting actual action figures, but that's a project for the future. Something to aim for, in any case.

The designs of these, unsurprisingly, are also influenced by my love for monster movies/b-movies/creature features/etc. Who doesn't like a good mutant? Idiots, that's who! Mutants are ACE. More/close-up pics can be eyeballed via my FACEBOOK PAGE. On the subject of internet sites, my personal website's out-of-order at the moment and I can't be bothered to remove the link at the top of this site, so don't click on it. DON'T. It will only end in heartache.

To quote Clive Sinclair "Ooo, nice segway!" I'm currently working on some 'insidious electronic noir' with the theme of 'bleak love'. You can hear what I've done so far right below this sentence!

[soundcloud url="https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/215270008" params="auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false&visual=true" width="100%" height="450" iframe="true" /]

Nope, that didn't work, did it. I'm using the name Iä! and am currently writing at least one new song a week! Have a listen HERE or HERE! 

ITS GREATEST STRENGTH IS ITS WEAKNESS

Wow. Nearly two months without an update. HOW UNLIKE WAYNE GOODCHILD TO NEGLECT YOU, INTERNET. So without further ado:

Minus the diabetes.

Writing news first! --> I submitted two stories to pro-rate markets. One was recently rejected BUT not before it reached the second round of submission, which I'm very pleased about. The second is still currently languishing in the second/final round of the sub process, so I have my fingers crossed for that one. OBVS.

I've also submitted a vaguely erotic Lovecraftian piece to an anthology [no tentacle rape, though], which I'm also waiting for the final word on. The editor has told me it's "deliciously creepy" so I hope she likes it enough to pick it once she's read some more ^_^

And the main thing keeping my fingers busy (steady on!) is an urban fantasy/horror noir cyclical novel called THIS VILLAGE NEVER DREAMS. I subbed it to various places a while ago, and 90% of the publishers requested the full manuscript, so that gave me a nice esteem boost. I've (substantially in some parts) reworked it and it's pretty much ready to send back out into the wild. I just need to write the most goddamn awesome, eyeball-grabbing cover letter I can think of. Which is proving much, much harder than I remember.

Film reviews! --> I started working on a review for Children of the Corn 3, then forgot about it, so look for that SOON. I was lucky enough to get free tickets to see an advanced screening of PACIFIC RIM, which is ace...but...HERE COME SPOILERS (highlight to read):

The Breach the Kaiju come from never moves, only one monster comes out it at a time (to start with), and the government monitor it 24/7...so why don't they
a) spend money on an orbital cannon to blast Kaiju the instant they pop out (which would undoubtedly cost far less money than building giant robots), so they can actually stop Kaiju before they get anywhere near land
b) put the Jaegar robots much, much closer to the Breach, so they can actually stop Kaiju before they get anywhere near land
c) get more than one Jaegar to attack a monster, so they can actually stop Kaiju before they get anywhere near land...?
ALSO, we can only access the Kaiju dimension if the Breach is tricked into thinking we're one by literally piggybacking on a monster SO how can the Jaegar pilots escape the dimension when they're nowhere near a Kaiju? Surely the Breach would trap them? Unless we're supposed to believe that the Breach DOES think they're Kaiju, since they're coming from the home dimension...?

Welcome back! Despite these nitpicks, I genuinely believe Pacific Rim is the most visually impressive film I have ever seen. EVER. There wasn't one moment when I did not believe that I was actually watching giant robots fighting giant monsters. And that's all anyone can really ask from a film about, er, giant robots fighting giant monsters.

I also put THE BARRENS in my eyeballs. What a mistake. Stephen Moyer (from True Blood) plays the world's worst dad, Richard Vineyard. He has a new, super hot wife, a teenage daughter and the wimpiest little son I've ever seen in a film. Watch his reaction when he finds a dead dog. It is OSCAR WORTHY:

"Oooo no, I don't like it!"

Dad of the Year takes his family camping so they can spend some quality time together. Except that THE MOTHERFUCKING JERSEY DEVIL may or may not be AFTER THEM! (It is after them). This is simply a footnote in a litany of bad luck and terrible decisions that include:

Dad ignoring news of bear attacks. Dad letting young son play with a knife. Dad taking his family off the trail. Dad getting bit by a dog with rabies AND NOT TELLING ANYONE ABOUT IT. Dad going completely bananas within the space of two days, which is feasible with regards to the gestation period for rabies in humans but man oh man, what terrible luck for his family. 

The Barrens is completely ridiculous. Hardly anyone acts like a real person, and the execution of the whole "is he mental or is the monster real?" angle is both a stroke of genius and utterly rubbish. I can't recommend it, but at the same time I can. I am torn.

I also watched THE MANITOU. Don't ask me why it took so long to see it, as I'm aware it's a, whuuhhh, classic. Woman has a tumour. Tumour is actually a Native American shaman waiting to be reborn. Shaman is birthed out of her back. Shaman looks like a stumpy zombie dwarf. Doctors go from belligerent to nonplussed at the fact there's an angry, magical midget in their hospital. A good Indian turns up and spouts some of the most hardboiled dialogue I've ever heard whilst knocking two sticks together. Tony Curtis gets angry. There's a ghost lizard. The evil dwarf is momentarily defeated by a typewriter. Everything gets mental in the only way a 1978 horror film can: trippy light effects, like you're falling into a wormhole. A conspicuous and somehow incongruous super computer saves the day. I rate this film: MAGICAL.

And that's all the weather! Oh, I also ran an arts festival. That kept me pretty busy. Details HERE.

RELEASE...RELEASE...RELEASE...

Sometimes, my thoughts clatter around like damaged robots trying to fix a bigger, more damaged robot. Always building/rebuilding. Occasionally they'll stick an arm joint back in a shoulder, prompting sensible, rational thoughts. Other times, they'll put a leg in the head socket, creating nonsense ideas. Sensible is good, but nonsense tends to be more creative. Maybe when they've finally finished pottering around they'll create some deranged robot with arms for legs and heads for hands, and as it destroys my mental Tokyo it'll vomit fiercely creative gamma breath. Buildings and people will melt under sentences like "The nights in the marital bed were long and lonely in the months after Frank died, and they remained just as long and lonely when he
returned." and "General Ken Nyler’s torso sprouted from the wooden floor of his office like a grotesque plant, arms held up like branches with hands forming claws." I would welcome a death caused by those words. Not so much "Better clean the bathroom" or "Should I have said that?" or any number of mundane, peripheral thoughts and notions that really shouldn't take up more time than their initial creation. But those, robots, they're always moving things about. Instead of taking time crafting thoughts about how a wife would react to her dead husband returning to life, or how a normal cop could stop a supervillain, it's these latter thoughts that hold the most sway more often these days. And quite frankly, it's getting boring. So I try mental exercises, see if I can corral the robots. A woman's voice floats through my head, accompanied by a steady 'wom wom wom wom'. "Tense your toes" she says. "Then release. Feel the pressure lifting." She then tells me to tense every other part of my body, leading up to my head. Always release, always spread stress and worry and all the rest of it as it floats away and up into the ether. It's good stuff, to be honest, but the trouble is I always fall asleep before she reaches my head, so I can never get those bothersome robots sorted. Maybe if I keep listening, keep releasing, I'll hear her voice, hear the pulsing synth, and the robots will stop - just for a moment - and think about what they're doing. Maybe.