THE INEXORABLE RISE OF THE NIGHT LIZARD

I talked about 'deleted scenes' a while ago, and here's my latest one. It's the original start to something I've almost finished working on, a sort-of superhero story about a vigilante who goes around beating up drunks and lowlifes in a small American town:

The man, inebriated to the point of violence, roughly dragged an attractive young lady into an alleyway. She tried to scream and cry for help but he kept slapping her into silence. “Shut up,” he snarled. “You owe me this.”

“Please…” She was barely out of her teens, dressed for summer despite the cold, brunette and petite. “Please let me go; I promise I won’t tell anyone!”

The man – himself somewhere in his thirties and with a face that was no stranger to violence – shoved her to the dirty ground and started to undo his belt buckle. “Make one more sound and I’ll kill you.”

Despite slurring half the sentence, the threat had the desired effect on the girl, who scooted back against the wall and tried not to allow the sounds of her crying to spill out into actual words. As the man leered closer she choked out: “No…”

The man’s eyes flared with rage and he grabbed a handful of her hair. “What did I just say?”

“Leave her alone.” The voice that came from the nearby shadows wasn’t deep or menacing, yet had enough force behind it to cause the man to let go of the girl.

“Who’s there?” He squinted into the darkness. “I’ll give you five seconds to f---”

The words died on his lips as someone – or something – stepped from the shadows. It was of average height and build, but covered entirely in black: black boots, black jeans, black long-sleeved top, black gloves…but the thing that made the drunk question if it was human or not was the weird head. Again, it was black but had gaps in it, a bit like a skull, but its shape was more snout-like, more…reptilian.

Remembering he was filled with alcohol (so impervious to everything) the man pushed the girl against the wall and turned to face the stranger. “What the fuck are you supposed to be?”

“I might go easy on you,” it said, “if you let the girl go.”

“Fuck off, weirdo.” The drunk laughed to himself and returned his attention to the girl.

She uttered a shriek when the drunk cursed loudly and stumbled backwards. The man…creature…whatever he or it was…lunged for the drunk and proceeded to pummel him with its fists whilst shouting. She flinched with every hit, but couldn’t look away.

Eventually, the stranger stood up and staggered away from the drunk. He turned to the girl and said, “Have you got a phone?”

“Yes…”

“Call the police. I’ll watch over you until they arrive. Don’t worry -- you’re safe now.”

She scrambled to her feet and took a step closer to him. She could see that his ‘face’ was actually some sort of mask/helmet, under which he wore a balaclava. “Who are you?”

The stranger started to walk back into the shadows. “They call me…The Night Lizard!”

This is a little too goofy, plus the girl then describes all this in a police interview, so I've started the story with that instead. A little oddly, for a story about a costumed nutcase, he doesn't appear that often in it. With The Inexorable Rise of The Night Lizard I want to examine what it might be like if some normal guy dressed up like a superhero and existed in a 'real world' situation...whoa hang on a minute!

Yes, I know the obvious reference point is KICK-ASS (which I really enjoyed) not to mention similar films such as Defendor and the one starring the guy from The Rocker (I think it's called The Crimson Bolt), but this is that old chestnut of having come up with the idea ages ago, plus it's only a surface similarity...KICK-ASS was still comic booky (in that the hero gets a 'superpower' of dulled pain response from all his beatings, and the other characters act and fell like comic book characters - not making any kind of point, just saying). The Night Lizard is operating in a sleepy little town. What's the point of his existence? If a real superhero (or costumed vigilante) existed, there'd be no point in him hanging around some place where drunkenness is the only real 'crime'...yet The Night Lizard has to protect such a town. Why? Well hopefully the actual story will get picked up somewhere and you'll be able to find out that our plucky hero is both mentally disturbed (not in an obvious way) and headed down a decidedly non-comic booky path ;) oooooo!

REV. AUSTIN'S MILDLY ASTOUNDING [MP3] MIXTAPE!

A recent conversation (if posting on the internet can class as a 'conversation') with some chums has resulted in us all making a list of our top 13 albums, and a subsequent compilation featuring one track off each album to swap, so as to broaden our musical horizons and show each other what cool music we like. I thought it might be nice to share my own comp with the whole internet, and all my loyal readers, so here it is! Oh, and I might also make this a regular thing - regular as in'I'll do it more than once'.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=DM4VDOTH - part a (about 30MB)

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=KNIHQPMU - part b (about 30MB)

I picked 13 albums that I can listen to pretty much in their entirety and not feel like missing one or two songs out. There are some startling omissions of bands/artists I love to bits (eg no Angelo Badalamenti, FrontLine Assembly or Nick Cave) but that's because I wanted to try and pick a good mix of stuff, not just baroque lounge or industrial electronica :D My top 13 albums, and the songs I've put on the comp are:

MEOW MEOW - SNOW GAS BONES. Song: Cracked.

Some of the tracks on the comp are my favourite ones off whichever album, but generally I've tried to pick a tune that sums up that album. 'Cracked' is an example of this; fuzzy indie pop rock with Beach Boy vocals meets Sonic Youth noise, like a lot of the album. Very nice.

THE EGG - TRAVELATOR. Song: Ben Hur.

Ridiculously uplifting funky jazz, with daft samples and a cheeky sense of humour. When I saw these playing at Glastonbury years ago, they ended this song with a really loud sample of someone shouting "TWAT!"

SKELETONS AND THE KINGS OF ALL CITIES - LUCAS. Song: Hay W'Happens.

Wonky jazz meets experimental Americana. This album is utterly terrifying, and this song's perhaps the most monged one off it.

FLEET FOXES - FLEET FOXES. Song: Your Protector.

Sounds like a bunch of medieval hippies playing country music.

THE PAPER CHASE - NOW YOU ARE ONE OF US. Song: ...And All the Candy You Can Eat.

A thoroughly sinister album of guitar and piano skronk, peppered with horror movie samples and crackly radio transmissions. John Congleton's lyrics are hard to beat, with warped fairy tale references and a bitter sense of humour that I find wholly appealing.

POP WILL EAT ITSELF - DOS DEDOS MIS AMIGOS. Song: Everything's Cool.

The much-maligned PWEI released this album as their swansong and confused a lot of their 'crusty' fans. Suddenly, they weren't the goofy grebos of their last few albums, but a (fairly) serious band with a dark industrial heart.

37500 YENS - Astero. Song: Chapitres.

A recent edition to my 'favourite albums' list. They're an almost entirely instrumental French two-piece (guitar and drums) with mathrock sensibilities that spill over into jazz and noisecore tendencies.

FOETUS- FLOW. Song: Someone Who Cares

JG Thirlwell wears so many musical hats it's a wonder he hasn't squashed his head down into his neck. Foetus is generally industrial jazz (or at least, used to be) and this album is the best mix of those styles, if you ask me. Like dirty blues sang by a drunk tramp with metal limbs.

KARMA TO BURN - KARMA TO BURN. Song: Mt. Penetrator.

I love this band. LOVE THEM. Whiskey-and-cigarettes stoner with songs about Appalachian women, nameless gunslingers and all sorts of really cool stuff. This is one of their grooviest songs, although almost everything they do is really groovy. Apparently they were forced to get a vocalist for this record for it to be released (they got rid of him/he left after this was recorded) which is a damn shame because he's got an amazing voice, and way with lyrics.

PIGFACE - A NEW HIGH IN LOW. Song: Nutopia.

Pigface are the very definition of 'supergroup' as their revolving door band member policy means each album sounds quite different to each other, but all underpinned by Martin Atkins utterly incredible drumming and production. This album revealed a wholly new take on industrial music that owed more to dub than electronics.

GODFLESH - LOVE AND HATE IN DUB. Song: Frail [Now Broken].

Sludgy industrial pioneers Godflesh took their incredible hip-hop-flavoured album Songs of Love and Hate and de-constructed it into the pummelling and creepy Love and Hate in Dub. The drums and bass become the main instruments, with desolate guitar feedback and bleak vocals swimming around in the background to give you the willies.

THE DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN - IRE WORKS. Song: Dead as History.

I think 'Milk Lizard' is my favourite song off this album, but this tune captures all the elements that make it so great: glitchy electronica, screams, heavy guitar, jazz, and a surprising level of accessibility.

ADMIRAL ANGRY - BUSTER. Song: Sex With a Stranger.

Monstrous, bleak, disgustingly heavy. The end.

Usual copyright disclaimer gubbins: the whole point of this mixtape is to spread the word of bands you might not otherwise have heard of, or bother with. If you like what you hear, track down the band/album :)

If anyone feels like making their own mixtape, let me know! I'm always interested in what other people listen to, if it's not bog standard in any way. Or maybe even if it is bog standard, who knows?

ABOUT AS FILLING AS A BOTTLE OF POP

I prefer Burger King to McDonalds, but I don't think I could subsist on nothing but BK. I do, however, think I could live on nothing but Pizza Hut. SORORITY ROW is Pizza Hut.

Unfortunately, it soon turns out that this is a Pizza Hut that only sells Margherita pizzas, which are nice for a change and when you don't want anything too fancy, but soon gets boring.

The starter menu isn't too fussy, presenting as it does an extended set-up to events: a group of sorority sisters play an exceptionally mean-spirited prank on their friend's cheating boyfriend, which ends up inadvertently costing the girl her life. After A LOT of standing around and arguing, they dump the body down a mineshaft and try to get on with their lives.

It takes far too long for the main course to arrive: it's almost 40 minutes from the start of the film before the killer actually appears and starts whittling down the cast. Is it worth the wait? Yes and no. The kills range from the boring (being stabbed) to the unpleasant (a girl gets a bottle rammed down her throat) with none of the playfulness of earlier slasher films such as Friday The 13th's sleeping bag kills or the tension of Michael Myers' relentless stalking. This killer wears a black cloak and gown (obvious/not scary) and kills using a modified tire iron (as this was used to kill the girl at the start). They also have unerring aim when throwing something that evidently carries a bit of weight. Perhaps there's a Slasher Olympics? That might be worth making into a film.

And then it's onto the dessert. I felt like I'd ordered a chocolate fudge cake and got one of those steam-in-the-microwave chocolate puddings instead. There are the usual array of red herring suspects (the dead girl's boyfriend? her sister? one of the main girls?) but it turns out to be someone utterly ridiculous, and feels like a "Haha! You didn't see that one coming!" No we didn't, because it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Sure, the killer explains their "motive" (and I use that term vveerryyy loosely) but it's balls, frankly. I haven't felt so disappointed in a killer's reveal since I endured Valentine.

Sorority Row has very little wit, features largely unlikeable and contradictory characters (whose personalities turn on a dime if the plot requires it) and far too much standing/sitting around arguing about things and being bitchy to each other. I suppose in that respect the filmmakers have perfectly captured the spirit of a girls' sorority, but when it pads out the runtime of a horror film, it's not much fun. Yes, there're tits on display, but it feels like a necessary evil, rather than the joyful boobnanza of 1980's horror films (where they tend to pop out at any given time). And Carrie Fisher gets in effect an extended cameo, for no real reason other than to be a bit of a 'badass' housemother with a shotgun.

So if this is Pizza Hut with incompetent staff and a bare bones menu, I think I'd rather live off the cinematic equivalent of Pizza Express, where a sorority plays an integral part but there's also genuine charm and imagination on display. Yes, I'm talking about my favourite film ever, Night of the Creeps. I'd never get sick of eating at THAT restaurant!